Touch in a Pandemic

The pandemic has last a year now. While I had to take over two months off completely, a lot of my regulars still have not come back for personal safety and I totally respect that. 

Interestingly I have a lot of new clients, which is great! Many of them are brand new to receiving massage. 

The over whelming thing I hear from clients right now is how touch deprived they are. "This is first somebody has touched my body in almost a year!" or as one tearful client said "This is the first time I have touched another person in a year." 

The weight of these statements is not lost on me. It is not just "I haven't touched a cock in a year" or I haven't felt an ass in a year." We are not just talking about a year with a "hook up" but a year with out any shared touch with another human being at all. No hand shakes, no hugs, no bumping into another person... nothing. This is what this past year has been like for some people. I am lucky enough to have a loving partner to see me through these times. It blows my mind to think what it must be like if you don't. To be the first person allowed to touch this person in almost a year is an honor and a duty I do not take lightly. 

There are also a number of men who are in sexless marriages, either married to a woman or another man, who are also suffering from a lack of sensual touch. Perhaps they had play partners or casual hook ups to fill their needs but for the past year have been completely closed off. The pandemic has also reeked havoc on even the most healthy of relationships. I know of more than one couple who took sex off the table once they were forced to spend 24 hours a day, every day with each other. They still love each other, but sex became more of a chore than a pleasure.

I am trying to make my massage space as safe as possible for myself and my clients (and my hubby). Lots of cleaning, air circulation, fresh air, so much disinfectant are a part of my daily life. Masks are worn by both the client and myself through out their time here. As soon as they are out of my home, Lysol and other disinfects are used everywhere before I take off my mask. Even with all of these precautions, I cannot guarantee everyone's absolute safety, I can only do my best. So if a regular client does not want to come back, I really do understand. Vaccinations are happening and some of my elderly clients have stated that they will be back soon. I have no idea when I will be able to be vaccinated, I am on a couple of lists but have been told I most likely will not be able to get a shot for 3-4 months. 

If you are out there and suffering from a lack of touch, what have you done about it if anything?

Do you think that as a subculture, men who have sex with men are usually more in need of touch? 

Are we more tactile with each other even in non-sexual situations? 

Trapped and needing alone time...

 Business is still about 50% of what it should be. I am afraid it will get worse again before it gets better. 

However, I am grateful that I still have money coming in. Not everyone does right now. I am also an actor, of course that money has completely dried up. Still, not doing too bad. 

One of the more interesting aspects of this fall has been both my hubby and I are working from home. Usually not an issue, he can work on the patio while I do massage. If the weather isn't ideal he can work in his office as long as he remains quiet. But then there are Zoom meetings... Suddenly each day is "I have a client at X time" "Well, I have a Zoom at Y time but should be done by then." Add in last minute schedules of clients and emergency zooms and it can get complicated. This is not how we expected it to be. We thought by the time I could do massage again, he would be at work full time in his office... oh well. On the plus side, I have been getting new clients who are becoming regulars.

I am not sure how other office people are behaving now that they are working from home, but for my husband, he has made the entire house his office. Not that he making a mess everywhere, quite the contrary, he is often just randomly cleaning or tidying. But he does pace through the house when on the phone or when trying to work out an idea. It can be quite disconcerting. On one occasion while he was in his room because I had a client he burst opened the door and started walking into the room, realized his mistake and spun around and got out. He was very apologetic afterwards. Fortunately the client was face down and while he knew what had happened his only response was "your hubby can watch, I don't care. Might be fun!"

It's some of the other private moments that I miss as well. I orgasm everyday, with or without my husband. I love watching or reading (still my favorite) porn for hours while playing with myself until I shoot everywhere. Even though I an absolute top, I like sitting with the Hitachi wand pressing against ass until I start slipping out of reality. While I will occasionally do some of these things with my hubby, I really prefer to do these things alone. However, he is just always here now. And even though he spends most of his time in his office, I never know when he will pop out to either pace around the house or come tell me something he just discovered. Hell, I even jacked off in the shed in the back yard last week, which had it's own slight eroticism to it, but not something I want to make a regular thing. 

Again, in the grand scheme of things, it's not terrible. Sometimes I will just stay up for an extra hour or so after he goes to bed to take care of my personal needs. Not my favorite time of day to do it, but we adjust. I know he is in the same boat, however, he does have his office and he knows I will not disturb him if the door is closed. I have no such space, except supposedly when I give a massage. 

His life has been difficult since the pandemic. He works in education and trying to manage all the teachers, children, parents, advocates, social workers, state and country representatives involved in the day to day education system of our youth in the best of times is near impossible. Trying to manage them through Zoom meetings, on-line class rooms, group texts and conference calls is so much worse. He will quit by the end of the school year. He says this situation has verified that those above him do not have his back. When he leaves, we will take a trip if we are allowed and I will be the bread winner until he lines up something new. Not a big deal, tighten our belts and move on. 

If things get worse with the pandemic (as I expect they will) and we are forced into a complete lockdown again, I have warned him that I will be ripping up the carpets in the house. We bought our house 4 years ago and it has wall to wall beige carpet in all the rooms. There are supposed to be dark stained hardwood floors underneath, though god only knows what shape they are in. The only way to find out is to rip it all up. Something I have been putting off since it would be a major disruption to my business. However, if I am forced to suspend work, up they will come. He is dead set against the idea because he hates having the house in complete disarray. Even the idea of hiring a company come in to replace the current carpet seems to be too much for him to handle. I get it, he wants some control of something in his life. I will do it anyway because if I have nothing to do, I will go mad. If the floors are in decent shape, great! I will buy some area rugs and be done. If they need to be refinished, hopefully I will be able to get that done. If they are completely beyond saving, then new carpet it is! But definitely not beige. 

Is anal sex still taboo?

 This past week, I had a regular client see me. He is in his mid 40's, tall, well built, dark hair, beard and married to a woman. We have experimented with prostate massage before, at first it was just one finger and he was really nervous. Another visit we tried again and he took 2 fingers. This week he was able to take three fingers and he had two in his ass when he came. 

Now to clarify, this man identifies as straight. However, he started playing with my cock during his second visit and was sucking it by his fourth visit. That in my book is all fine, if you want to identify as straight while playing with and sucking cock, who am I to judge? At one time or another, I have had sex with just about every gender variation out there, but I still consider myself gay. 

So the moment where I was taken aback was when the massage was over I told my client (we will call him Don) that he took three fingers up his ass. His response was "Man, don't tell me that!" 

I was speechless for a moment, then I asked him why. "Just don't say that, I'm not ready to hear that." OK. I tell him that it's no big deal, just means that he is relaxed. Then I asked him if he likes prostate massage and fingers in his ass. "Not sure yet." OK. I inform him as I always do, that we never have to do it again and if I am ever doing something he doesn't like, he must tell me to stop. Don replied that yes he knows and it was fine. 

Now I have seen his reaction when he is getting a prostate massage and when he had three fingers going in and out of his ass... he enjoyed it. The issue I believe is one that I have heard from other straight clients is that anal sex is crossing a line from straight to gay. It is the taboo moment that changes who they are. 

On the flip side, it is also one of the most common requests that I get, "can you teach me how to bottom?" Usually from long time clients but also from brand new clients both gay and straight. It is something that they have been interested in but don't want to admit to a sexual partner that they have never done it before. A smart choice as far as I am concerned, we need more education in sex. We also need tops to are willing to learn to be a good top. Communicate what you like and don't like, even in the moment. 

But back to the beginning... I get that there can a psychological hang up over receiving anal sex. It just surprises me is all. If you are willing to have a cock thrusting in and out of your mouth, having three fingers shoved up your ass, why is it such a big leap mentally to actually have a cock ass up your ass? Or is it the IDEA of WANTING a cock up your ass the hang up? Is that what would actually make them have to redefine their personal label of who and what they are?

In my personal world, blow jobs and hand jobs and even Princeton rubs are far more the norm of gay sex than anal sex. It is not at all the first thing that comes to mind when talking about gay sex. To me, being gay is about who you want to spend your life with, not  what orifice you have sex with. Feedback? 

Time flies when you are having fun?

 Two months since my last post? Doesn't seem possible. Time in the time of Covid is surreal. My handsome well hung visitor from the July 4th post came back today. Things went pretty much the same but the comfort level was better. This time as we fucked and our eyes held each other, he communicated much more with slow head movements. His head moved side to side to let me know he was not ready to come yet. He nodded as I picked up the pace of pounding his ass. He nodded again as I grunted like I was getting ready to cum and then I slammed him hard and he came, shooting volleys of cum over his head. He obviously wanted me to cum before him (I didn't, saved it for later). Yes, I do fake cumming once in awhile. 

Wearing masks while having sex is still odd. It's no big deal if I am taking a guy from behind, but when face to face it's weird. To understand better, when I fuck a guy on my table (which is rare), there are generally two positions that we use: 1. Doggy style with both of us on the table 2. me standing on the floor with the client on their back on the table and their legs over my shoulders. It's not just sex. I am used to watching my client's face when I massage them for feedback for what they like and what they do not. The same is true for the client, they will occasionally look at my face to see if touching my leg bothers me or not (or wherever they may be touching). The eyes can say a lot, but I miss the rest of it. Oh, and the look of peace on a man's face when I continue to massage them after their orgasm.

I think that I have weathered the pandemic as well as can be expected. If you are in a long term relationship (as I have been these past 20 some odd years), then you may have experienced the odd duality of both wanting desperately to spend time with others and desperately wanting alone time. I love my husband and I think we are managing really well. However, I would love to have the house to myself again for a few hours every day. I am sure he feels the same. It is harder than ever right now as he works for a school system but is working from home. This means he is constantly on the phone or on zoom mtgs and I need peace and quiet for my clients. My business is still pretty slow, so usually I can manage to schedule around his mtgs but not always. I have had to send my poor husband outside behind the house (which is a nice covered patio with nice furniture) so he can do his mtgs and I can work in peace. Up until now it had not really been an issue, when schools closed so did my business. When I was able to start taking clients, he was on summer break. We really thought that he would be working in the school building by this time. But we adjust and life goes on if we are lucky. However, there are days that I just want to stay naked and masturbate over and over until I shoot dust and pass out, and then when I come to, stay naked and eat pasta....  you know what I mean.

I am still at about 50% of where my business is normally this time of year. I have also lost a lot of income from cancelled theatrical shows. One of the companies that I worked for on a regular basis may have closed for good. And yet, knock on wood, we are doing OK financially, while our income is down, so is our spending. We rarely eat out anymore and we haven't paid for a theatre ticket since March, huge cost savings. Also there was no summer vacation - no wknd trips to the beach or week long camping trips, or trips to Europe or visit to family. I have the urge to spend money on some big home reno project but also feel that we could face another shut down sometime this fall or winter so I had better hold onto that cash. 

I really wish I had a magic look into the future, if this is the beginning of the end of times, I would like to know. I can then pick up all the dirty habits of my youth: smoking, drinking, some pot, lots of sex... OK, so I actually have way more sex now than I did in my youth but it would still be nice to not worry about tomorrow for awhile. 

Happy 4th of July!

Then there are days like today.

I always say, never do anything with a client you are not willing to repeat every time you see them from that point on.  That is one of the reasons I never cum for a client (at least on purpose). I have very few clients that I fuck, and when I do, I let them know that this is a one time only thing, it most likely will never happen again, unless we both want it too and either of us can always say “sorry, not today.”

Let’s face it when sex is part of your job, and you are a man, there are going to be limitations. You can only cum so many times a day. You can only keep up an erection for so long. You have to be stimulated to get an erection by something, anything. That is why you should never fuck a first-time client; you are setting up some pretty high expectations. Shouldn’t even get undressed. Leave it at a hand job.

This morning my first client was a great guy who has been seeing me for about 3 years. Things started pretty slow back then: he didn’t try to touch me; I only gave him a hand job when he was very erect. He didn’t say much before or after – just a short embarrassed “thanks.” His wife had left him, he worked two jobs and usually only had one or two entire days off a month. Eventually he started feeling me up outside my shorts and I started giving him prostate massages. One day he takes my shorts off so he can jack me. Another day he pulls my dick out while it is near his head so he can lick it. We slowly over time work up to three fingers in his ass and he seems to really like it. Eventually I ask him if he would like the real thing and he says nothing, so I keep fingering him till he cums. This happens at least twice more before he says he wants the real thing. He is an extremely handsome man, about 50, good shape, huge dick and a very nice ass. We go slow and I fuck him for the first time, he doesn’t last long. I generally pull out as soon as a guy cums, knowing that it can be painful for a lot of guys to still have a dick in their ass after cumming. The second time I fuck him he wants me to keep going – keep stroking his cock and keep fucking his ass after he cums. OK, I can do that. He kept cumming and cumming and grunting and groaning, it was sweet. So that did become the norm, he likes to get fucked, I like fucking him and I ask before we do it and he says yes and so it goes. This morning was no exception except that we had not seen each other in months due to his schedule before the lockdown and then the lockdown itself so the passion of the moment was a bit higher than normal and a good time was had by all, keeping in mind that I don’t cum.

Ninety minutes later I greet a new client at the door, Randy. He is about 30 years old, 6’, shaved head, well built and very friendly. We are both wearing masks due to Covid. He wanted to know if he could shower before hand and I showed him to the bathroom with a towel and wash cloth. After his shower he returns wrapped in a towel and wearing his mask. He drops the towel and stands naked except for the mask and says “strange world we live in, where do you want me?” I tell him to lie facedown and offer a towel for draping to which he replies “I’m not shy.” He is hairy and well hung, has a multitude of tattoos – mostly Celtic in design in black and bright green. He has a prince albert piercing. I ask the usual about whether he has any aches, pains, illnesses or anything I should know about. He tells me he in the army so he works his body hard, but especially he legs and glutes as of late. I go to work and he is friendly and chatty, compliments my home, pride flag, choice of music etc. I tell him to let me know if I ever use too much or not enough pressure, he likes the deep pressure. I have an erection through most of the massage. He is flirty, nice, attractive and behaving like a gentleman – perfect. I remind myself that I am 20 years older than him and in not nearly as good of shape. It is not until I do the abductor rub under his leg that he first finds my erection and starts rubbing it. He is very receptive as I rub his glutes and when I narrow in on his sphincter, he lifts his hips only very slightly. I ask him it he would like a prostate massage. “Sure, why not?” I start with my thumb, then two fingers, then three… driving them in and out and finally 4 fingers slide in.  So… he is not a virgin.

I ask him to turn over and work immediately on his abs, sliding down over his pubic bone. His cock is erect and I work it lightly then down to his balls. He is freely rubbing my cock through the shorts, so I finally drop them. I switch sides of the table and repeat and then linger with one hand massaging his sphincter and the other working his nips. I couldn’t help myself; I ask if he would like to be fucked. “Why not?” I tell him that I don’t usually do this especially with a new client, but it is the 4^th of July wknd and he is active duty. I put a condom on and throw his legs up over my shoulders and ease in. He is staring intently over the mask into my eyes, as I am staring at his. This is unusual. Most guys will look at me then away, then roll their heads, back at me, close their eyes etc. He has locked eyes with me and not letting go. OK, I can go with that. I fuck him hard and intense, keeping my eyes locked on his, jacking his big cock (careful of the prince albert). I feel he is close but his eyes are looking at me without flinching. I nod my head. He says “here it comes, I shoot a lot!” He puts a hand up to shield his face as volleys of cum fly over his head, on his hand, shoulders, chest and eventually stomach. I laugh as I clean him up, he is extremely sensitive after. I finish the massage with stretching and some deep tissue on his legs and arms. While I work, his hands find my legs, ass, cock, whatever naked body part is closest to him.

When it is over, he gets dressed and repeatedly tells me how good it all was and that he will definitely see me again. He leaves me a nice tip and I show him to the door. In the pre-covid time, I would have hugged him and possibly kissed, but today it is a nod and a “hope to see you again soon.”

Afterwards, I realize I have broken a few rules, but I still haven’t cum and I am still good for another massage or two. So far, a good day.

My story of Tom AKA Andy

I first saw him in October of 2006. He had found me on Craigslist and then on an online massage exchange group that I helped run and sent me an email and introduced himself as Tom. When he showed up at my door for his first appointment what struck me were his wiry unkept hair, his dark frame glasses and how thin he was. He was incredibly nervous. He told me he had not done a lot of this sort of thing and that he was married to a woman and that he was in his 50’s. He was also a diabetic with an implanted insulin pump. When the appointment was over, I noted in my log: Thin, nervous, married, no prostate massage, sensitive balls. I had remained clothed for our first session. The last time he saw me for a massage was October 1, 2014. He saw me 70 times in those 8 years, 90 minutes almost every time. It took him two years to tell me that Tom was his first name but he went by Andy, his middle name. He only used Tom when trying to hide his identity on line.

I took my clothes off for him on our third session, his request. We would spend some time of each session just talking. I heard about his marriage, his kids and his jobs. We talked about whether he should tell his wife about his sexual and emotional attraction to men. I pointed out that as long as he didn’t, he was not allowing her to deal with it, one way or the other. He eventually did tell her. They eventually split.

One day he asked to explore my body, so I lay on the table and he gave me a massage. He wasn’t very good, no reason why he should have been. He claimed I was the first cock that he put his mouth, I believed him. Eventually he got over his fear of anal and asked for a prostate massage. Over time we worked up to three fingers. He eventually wanted to be fucked, and after much discussion, I agreed to take his ‘virginity.’ It would be something that he would ask for occasionally after that. His favorite activity though was always frottage. He liked sucking cock as well, but he preferred when I climbed on the table and we rubbed our bodies together until he came. He also had an underwear fetish and loved modeling his latest purchases, and occasionally would bring me a pair to keep.

There was a six month break in seeing each other. When he returned, he explained that he had been seeing someone else and didn’t want to cheat on him. I said I understood, though he was still living with his wife at the time so I was confused. After that session we talked about the relationship that he had just finished. Turned out that it was all on line. They would chat, send pics and jack off together on video. However, when Andy wanted to meet, the other guy ghosted him. Andy went through the angst that many older people feel when they start coming out – they are too old to fit into the gay world, they waited too long to come out, they missed the best days of their lives. I offered him many suggestions of where to go to meet men that he may be interested in and may be interested in him. There was another break when he felt that he was becoming too emotionally attached to me, even though we only saw each other once a month at most.

It was a few years between when he told his wife and when he told his kids, and then only because he had decided to move out and get his own place. Their reactions were mixed, somewhat supportive and they loved him, but an over whelming sympathy for their mother for being lied to (as they felt they were lied to as well).

He moved to the far side of the city and he stopped seeing me as a client. He called occasionally and sent an occasional email. I saw him out at the bars a few times. He was more comfortable with himself than I had ever seen him. He was genuinely happy. To the best of my knowledge he never found a full time male lover, but he found friends and he found sex partners. He came out loud and proud. He marched in gay pride parades. He wrote articles of gay men in art and in history! He became a leader.

I heard he passed away in May. He was 66. I don’t know what he passed away from, doesn’t matter. It was a life well lived.   

- Jack

Back at work

Pandemic and all, back at work. Honestly, it's probably too soon, but one can only live so long on reduced funds and the state says it's OK. I am only taking one hour appointments and masks are required for us both when the client is face up, so we spend 45 minutes with the client face down. Most of my regular clients like a lot of ass play so they are good with that. The legit ones like a lot of work on their backs and shoulders so they are good with it as well.
It was weird to go back to it after 3 months. No problem with the actual work, but the little things like: Where is my favorite music? How does my Square payment system work again? Where are my candles? etc.
It has been a busy week with returning clients and new ones. It has also been odd having to have an erection for most of the day again. The first few clients it was kind of fun and exciting all over again, by the end of the week it was "You can do this!" It was the biggest change during the break - for about 6 weeks, I only got hard for sex with my husband - no masturbation at all. It was a real vacation for my dick. After that my libido and dick started jumping back to life.
It was clear that many of my clients were very happy to see me again. Starting with how quickly my scheduled filled up and the warm greetings they gave me when the entered and how they just kept chatting and catching up while stripping naked, and everyone came really fast.
The laundry also came back, in spades. usually 3 to 4 towels per massage plus the sheets and face cradle. Also going through a lot of lysol spray and hand sanitizer, and masks. It's all good. I have had a bit of push back on the mask issue, which honestly surprised me. I'm only asking them to wear it for 15 minutes of table time, but it does mean that it is harder to suck my dick, so there's that. I am secretly trying to get them off while they are still face down so it is less of an issue.
I have heard of the death of one of my clients, I will write more about him next time.
Stay safe everyone.