"I just want to say that I admire you. It is not easy to be an out and proud gay man."
These were surprising words for me to hear. They were said by a straight man who is an actor in a show I was in. I don't know him that well. We pal around on the set like most actors do. When he said it, I was standing next to one of his best friends who happens to be black. He laid into him with the whole "Oh man, you did not just say that. Really? That is just embarrassing, I am sure you didn't mean anything by it, but dude."
Awkward moment.
This sentiment was echoed by my mother in way just last week. She commented that one of my Aunts who friended me on Facebook (my more socially acceptable persona anyway) said that I was very "political" in my posts. I said I don't think so, the only issue I talk a lot about is gay marriage and after being denied the right to marry a partner of over 17 years I think most people would speak up. My mother then asked if it's been hard for me, to be gay, did it ever cause me any problems? Wow, what a loaded question. What do you say? It's your mother.
I am an out and proud gay man. What does that mean?
Well, I proudly fight for gay marriage rights, not just on my facebook page, but also writing letters, emails, making phone calls to my elected officials. I also encourage my straight friends to do the same. I know that they want my partner and I to be able to get married, so I encourage them to do their part and make their voices known. I chat with my friends who don't believe in gay marriage and try to get them to understand that I know change is hard, but it will truly not affect their marriage or turn their children gay and God will not smite you for not standing in our way. When Civil Unions are brought up I remind people that only that only 11 state recognize any form of Civil Union, in none of them do they have the same rights and privileges as marriage and the Federal Govt. does not recognize either a Civil Union or Marriage between two people of the same sex. When I hear the phrase "It's nothing personal, I just do not want gays to get married." I reply that it is personal, you are not talking about an anonymous section of the population, you are talking about me and my partner and saying to us that we are not worthy of getting married.
But wait, there's more. When I hear a friend tell a gay joke or use the word in derogatory manor, I speak up. Sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly, sometimes with humor, whatever I think will work. My favorite line to use is "I don't think you've sucked enough dick to tell that joke." With women I will get angry, they should know better. In a social setting, if someone I don't know well says something offensive and a group of my friends are there; I walk away very poignantly so my friends can explain to the newcomer their mistake. If we do not stand up for ourselves and let others know how we feel, we cannot expect thing to change.
When a group suggests that we got to Chick-Fil-A for a quick bite, I will tell them I will pass and it is because of the amount of money funneled by them into anti gay legislation.
I share news stories from around the country of both positive and negative reactions to gay people. Stories of teenagers being beaten to death. Stories of a judge or a preacher coming out in support of gay marriage. Stories of angry mobs protesting gay marriage. Stories of a gay character in a comic book. I want to remind my straight friends that there is a struggle that is continuing every day with little wins and losses all over the place. I hope that one or two of them will write to their elected officials or perhaps speak up to their other straight friends when the topic of fags comes up.
You see, you can't be an out and proud gay man only to your gay friends. Part of the definition is that you have to be out and proud in front of straight people. There is no other way to change the world; and the world does need changing. We have come so far, but still have a long way to go.
I get concerned when I meet gay men who are not out. Not only does it help the cause, but it is a very difficult way to live. There is always a part of their lives they have to monitor and guard. When co-workers are swapping spouse stories one has to remain silent, when someone wants to fix them up with the "perfect woman" one must make excuses, and one must always choose their pronouns carefully. I especially worry if I see someone in the younger generation playing the hiding game. Life is so much easier for them now than when I was younger, but they don't understand that. The excuse I hear is "I don't want to be known as the gay guy." Great. Neither do I, but we are not there yet. So for the mean time, you are the gay guy. So am I.
Why am I so insistent on being out and proud? I am tired. I have lived through so much and I am tired of it all.
Growing up gay in rural WI it may take you a while to figure out what is going on. There were no gay people, but faggot was definitely a derogatory word. Some people guessed that I was but I didn't figure it all out until I was 19. College, even in the Midwest, can and should be an eye opening experience. I met my first out gay man. What a revelation! Still took me a while to figure it out for myself. There was a particularly rough week between the first time a friend hit on me and I did something about, but that was all inner turmoil, trying to overcome my Christian upbringing. Even this guy, my first time, in a WI college town, could not admit that he was gay and maybe he wasn't. He did fall for me and even though he dated women and eventually got married he still had sex with men and one of his girlfriends said they broke up because of me. Both he and the first out gay man I ever met are dead now.
This was all in the mid to late 80's. Aids was on the rise so there was a lot fear. There was also fear in people finding out you were gay. Many friends would drop you in an instant. There was a lot of stigma. Telling my parents was hard. They wanted to fix me and they blamed themselves, all so unnecessary.
It was rough every time I picked up and moved somewhere new. Meeting new friends and co-workers and trying to figure out if it was going to be a big deal. Some places that I lived, it was. Fortunately I did a lot of theater which has always been a more accepting culture. However, there was a whole country that was changing. Due to the Aids crisis, gay men became organized and demanded to be treated as people. Remember, there was a very real belief among many that people with Aids should be rounded up and separated from the general population. There was so much fear. I watched as families turned their backs on their own children. I watched lovers be separated from their partners in hospitals where they had no rights. I got angry as well. I started conversations, I friended the friendless, I raised money, I wrote letters and in one memorable moment stood toe to toe with the Rev. Fred Phelps on the streets of Wichita during a pride parade. He would not listen to me or even answer the simple question of what John 3:16 (one of the signs he was holding) had to do with Aids or homosexuality. Yes, we were called names during the pride parades back then. Protestors were all about.
My partner doesn't hold my hand in public. There are good reasons for it. We come from an age where two men walking together down the street (not even holding hands) would be called names and have things thrown at them. I have had rocks and bottles thrown at me by random strangers passing on the street or driving by in cars, fortunately most of them have lousy aim. I know people who have not been so lucky. To this day when I see two men holding hands in public, I marvel at the simple joy of such a small action and the amount of bravery it took.
Every time we have moved as a couple, we face to issue as to what to put on rental forms. I have no problem putting spouse or partner in relationship to other blank. My partner gets very nervous that it will cost us the apartment, it has in the past. My view is if they don't want us there, I don't want to be there.
If we try to get on the other's insurance program through work, it generally costs us at least twice as much than if we were man and wife. Auto insurance treats us as two single men and charges us accordingly.
When I worked for the government, I was told by a closeted gay man that I must not tell anyone I was gay, they can still fire you for that here and have. Gay men and women still have no protection under Equal Employment Opportunity laws. I again chose to live openly, if they didn't want me, they could fire me. When it came time to find an employee to work 10 days in Florida and 10 days in DC, back and forth for an undefined amount of time, there was no volunteering; I was told that since I was the unmarried person in the office I had to do all the travel. When I mentioned I had a partner of 7 years (at the time), the response was "But it's not like your married, you’re going." I had a picture of the two us on my desk, just our faces next to each other cheek to cheek. I was told that the cleaning lady found it objectionable and that I had to remove it or she would file a sexual harassment suit against me. I said so? The response was "You will not have our support on this, just remove the damn picture." There are many more stories from my personal life, things that have happened directly to my or to those I love.
Things are better now. My parents love my partner and consider him one of the family. I work for myself most of the time so there are less work issues. I still have to remind people when they say something stupid, including my theater friends at times. My partner will not tell someone to knock it off when he hears an anti gay joke or that dreaded phrase that follows “not that there is anything wrong with being gay” like that makes up for the stupid things you just said, so I stand up and say something for him. More businesses are now understanding of same sex couples, though others most vehemently are not.
So mom, has it been hard? Yes. Have terrible things happened to me and to those I love? Yes. Am I tired of it all? Yes. That is why I cannot stop. I will not stop. I must be an out and proud gay man. I must remind people that we are just regular people who just want to live and love in peace and be treated the same as everyone else. Has it been worth it? Yes. As tired as I am of having to be “out and proud” I know that I, and those like me, are making a difference and the world will be a better place to live. Thank you straight friend, you are right and I appreciate your recognition of my work.
An educated liberal woman I know recently said to me that things remain the same until they change and then they change rapidly when their time has come. Perhaps the most naïve and stupid thing I have ever heard her say, other than when she says her kids are really well behaved and that her dogs won’t be an issue at a picnic. Change happens when people stand up and demand it and convince others to help them. Stand up for who and what you are and demand the change that you believe in. - Jack
