How to make your intentions known

not wanting to be rude to you nice men...

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Reply to: serv-503946798@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-09, 4:42PM EST
either you do it or you dont do it, right? that is the question, eh?? only how too get the answer?? do i email you? do i call you on the phone? do i go right out and ask for it, while i'm on the table? some or all of this could be considered so rude though, eh? what if you do it, but you want to feel comfortable with someone before you do, all of the above might get initial false negatives then, eh? so do i see you a few times then drop the "do give hj's bomb"? but i like you so much and enjoy your amazing massages, i dont want to mess up a good thing, do i?? do you give me any clues? you give me a little grin when your sheets or little towel starts moving, hmmm.., you say will that be all making eye contact with the moving towel? you start cracking up when the towel falls on the floor? or am i just misreading your intentions!!??! oh life can be just so confusing sometimes!

I found this on Craigslist. I love Craigslist. You can find anything.

So how do you find out if your therapist does a little extra? First off, realize that unless they advertise in an erotic section of advertising, they probably won’t say much over the phone or on email, remember, doing erotic or even sensual massage is illegal almost everywhere. Not only is there the police to worry about, but the local massage licensing board can revoke one’s license and levy some very heavy fines. So, starting with ad, there are some key words used in the trade, such as draping optional (where allowed by law), anytime a therapist only works on one gender, the word “release”, in some places in the country “full body”, in others it may be “completely satisfied”, if the ad gives the stats of the provider or uses terms to define their looks such as handsome, sexy, or fit. You get the idea. These are terms used to excite the customer into believing that this massage provides a little extra. They do not guarantee something extra. I know many workers who will only do sensual or erotic work on clients they find attractive but still use these terms to boost their client list, however, they are still a good indication that an erotic or sensual massage is at least a possibility. An ad that show a half naked photo of the therapist is also a good indication, but again, not fool proof.

The price is also an indication, though not always. Typically, if a therapist is charging 20% above the average going rate, they probably offer something extra, especially if they work out of their home. Spas are usually above average market price but almost never offer any extras. The most expensive are the rub and tug people who do not really massage but just use it as a front for prostitution clients.

Recommendations are always good way to go. Ask around anonymously on the web; be specific about what you want. Get more than one response. The problem with the web is that it is a great place for petty people to take out their aggressions. Say for example they wanted an erotic massage from someone and did not get it, when they see someone asking for an erotic massage, they may use it as an opportunity to send a pervert to them, sad but true.

When you talk to them on the phone, do they emphasize non-sexual? Do they talk on about medical terms and fancy techniques? These are probably truly non sexual.

Some styles that would indicate something more would be Tantric or Body Electric or in some cases Esalon. If prostate massage is offered or full body scrubs, these could also be signs that extra are being done.

Ask if draping is optional, if it is, the odds that it is a sensual or erotic massage go up.

If you are on the table, be somewhat vocal when touched in a way that you like and when you are touched where you like. If the masseur is close enough to the table that your hand is touching their leg, don't grab of poke or dig but ever so gently stroke lightly with a finger. Spreading your legs as far apart as possible is a good sign as well as arching the back slightly. Keep it all coming from a place of relaxation and enjoyment.

Personally, I believe the best approach is not to worry about it. Assume that the massage is not going to be sensual or erotic and just be pleasantly surprised if it is.

Spirituality

I am not a big believer in organized religions. I was raised very religious, even more so than my parents. I was the youngest of five boys born in a very rural part of Wisconsin. My parents were also raised in rural settings where religion was common but churches were rare and most people would read from the bible and sing hymns at home, at least on the holidays. While they were both raised Christian, neither was raised with a particular denomination. As adults, as they each searched for the right church for them, it was usually based on the rapport with a particular preacher. Somehow the ended up being Wisconsin Synod Lutherans, which is a particularly conservative branch, women couldn’t be full members of the church, vote, but were expected to donate money and time in support of the church.

When I was approaching 3^rd grade, the church opened up a grade school in the church basement. A literal one room school with grades 1-5, my parents helped start the school so of course I was enrolled; my brothers were all too old. I believe there was a total of 20 students that first year and just one teacher. The school grades were extended each year until it taught Kindergarten through 8^th grade and eventually had three teachers.

We started each day with an hour of devotion, a bible story, sing a hymn, go over some memorization, and ask some questions. You see, being a Lutheran grade school, we were taught about how this man Martin Luther had the courage to question his own religion. So we were free to ask a lot of questions of this poor sweet man, our teacher, who tried his best to answer. I heard that about 10 years later he left the church; I would like to think that our questions had something to do with that.

Anyway, my having some sort of religion 6 out of 7 days each week (our family was very good about attending Sunday services), was making me just a bit holier than thou. I knew more about religion than just about anyone I knew, especially my family. By the time I was in the 6^th grade, my teacher was talking to me about a life in the service of god, either as a preacher or as a teacher. I was all for it and was gathering information about the closest Lutheran high school that was far enough away that I would have to be boarded there. This is when my parents stepped in to save me; I did not go to 7^th grade in my one room school. They took me out and sent me to public school. In hindsight, it was the best thing they ever did for me, at the time; I was bitter and a complete social outcast. No one should be overly religious in a public junior high. It wasn’t until I got to high school that I was no longer the biggest freak in the place. I was still not popular and I was quite overweight, but, there were people worse off than I was and I was learning to fit in. My preacher spent the next several years still trying to convince me to go to the seminary. I left the church instead, questioning my religion.

Over the years, I have never joined another organized religion, but I have looked at several and read about many. I like to think that I definitely have a spiritual side, but the answers are not going to be found here. We are more than the sum of our parts. We are all connected to each other. The Dali Lama says that we are on this planet to be happy. We are at our happiest when we give to others.

There is a lot of talk among most massage therapists about the seven chakra points on the body and bringing them into alignment. I end each session connecting the chakras with my hands in a 4 step move. As I do this, a benediction I heard each Sunday as I was growing up in my church goes through my mind: may the good lord bless you and keep you, may the lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you, may the lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Responsibility

An on-line friend and fellow bodyworker from DC wanted me to share the following with my readers. - Jack

A disturbing piece of information recently came to my attention; many men assume that it is ok to play around with their masseur or body-worker because they are professional and must be disease free and would never do anything to harm them.

In the course of a professional legit massage, there is very little that can happen that would be considered “unsafe.” About the only thing that one would have to worry about is the possible transmission of topical skin issue, such as ringworm or the like. Granted, the news of the MRSA bacteria is scary but still pretty rare, those who have come to see me know that I wash my hands often and have bottles of sanitizer sitting around. One of the simplest ways to keeping clean as a client (for those fearful of MRSA) is to shower (if possible) after a session especially if it goes into sexual activities.

Anything that happens beyond the “legit” massage is a matter of personal choices. We are each responsible for our own health and well being. It would be nice to think that no one would ever purposely harm you, but when it comes right down to it, it is still up to you to keep yourself safe.

Everyone has a slightly different idea of what safe behavior is, when you are on the table, you must come with a clear idea of what safe is to you. The best thing that you can do is arm yourself with information, know what the possible diseases are and what the risk levels of different activities are. Then you can call the shots and say “oh yeah, I love that” or “Stop, I don’t do that” or “wait, do you have a condom? If not, I have one in my pants pocket.” The masseur will understand all of this, trust me. He will have had many requests in his past where he has had to say “Sorry dude, I don’t do that,” and he may end up saying that to you at some point. Again, sex of any type is not part of a massage or bodywork session and is a matter of personal choices and should not be expected of the client or the masseur. Not judging anyone on their behavior, just reminding you to take responsibility for it.

So unless you have your own personal masseur locked up in your playroom night and day waiting for you and only you, remember, what ever he is doing with you he has probably done with others.

Don’t bother asking… I won’t tell

Once again Mike Jones is breaking a cardinal rule… telling on a client.

Former male prostitute links two high-profile sex scandals

PlanetOut Network Tue Dec 4, 7:53 PM ET

SUMMARY: A 50-year-old former prostitute from Denver claims to have had sex with both the Rev. Ted Haggard and the conservative senator Larry Craig.

One of the rising stars of evangelical Christian politics resigns after allegations that he had sex with a man. More than a year later, a conservative U.S. senator is embroiled in a similar scandal.

The allegations against the Rev. Ted Haggard and Sen. Larry Craig have a common thread: A 50-year-old former prostitute from Denver named Mike Jones claims he had sex with both.

''I'll put my credibility up against Larry Craig's,'' Jones told The Associated Press on Monday. ''Here's a man that doesn't know the difference between innocence and guilty … I think people know he's been a liar.

OK, I have never met Mr. Jones, but a body worker, massage therapist, or prostitute never gives out names. They just don’t. The DC madam turned over her phone records, which is almost as bad, because she was being arrested and charged with a crime and the people in those records could come to her defense. Jones is just doing this for spite. Not that I don’t understand his feelings at times, I am not particularly fond men who go out of their way to make life rough for homosexuals and then suck dick or take it up the ass at night. One still does not hand out names. It is the most important rule when dealing in a shadier side of life, you see, when you give names you ruin everyone else’s business as well. If these were the good old days, someone would have taken Jones out of the picture by now, either a fellow worker for ruining the trade or a client who did not what to take any chances. Every time something like this comes up, business takes a nose dive. It is difficult enough to get a client to call since they are convinced that we will track their numbers but now when someone is going public with information just because their face was recognized it is near impossible. So many of my clients will only use email to contact me and change email addresses often. I have talked before how the same man will often give me 2 or 4 different names because they can’t remember which they used with me in the past.

The bigger issue of course is that we live in society that cares about what men or women do in private, whether money is involved or not. If society stopped caring men would stop going to the trouble of living double lives, politicians would stop passing harmful legislation, and maybe we could all get along a little better on this planet. What is it with this mentality that your morals must be my morals? If you don’t like what I do, don’t watch. Is it just that people are afraid that someone is having more fun than they are? Well of course we are, because we are not spending all of our time worrying about what everyone else is doing. We are just living our lives. - Jack

Another common problem

OK, an embarrassing issue that can best be discussed in an online forum. Skin rashes. Below are some links to very good sites that discuss a variety of rashes. For the sake of the therapist, if you have a rash, look it up and get it treated. The vast majority of rashes can be treated quickly and easily and will clear up nicely.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/skin-rash/SN00016&slide=1

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/tools/symptom/545.html

http://www.medicinenet.com/rash/article.htm

Many rashes are very contagious, while I usually am able to spot them and avoid them, there are times in my massage that my hand will slide under a leg or elsewhere that I may not see a rash first. When asked about aches, pains, injuries or illnesses always point out any rashes that you might have. If you have a rash and have discovered that it is a contagious type, do not get a massage. Treat the rash and wait for it to completely clear before scheduling a massage.

There is also a common issue of anal leakage. Everyone has anal leakage to some degree. Most people only are concerned with marks on their underwear or unpleasant odors. Another very real concern is the moisture involved as it often leads to the equivalent of adult diaper rash. This can be treated fairly easily, but one needs to be aware of it. If you are experiencing anal itch or pain, stand with your back to a mirror and bend over and spread your cheeks, if it is bright red in color and looks irritated, you may have “diaper rash” and it needs to be treated.

Skin care is an important part of all of our lives. Drink plenty of water, if you use a skin cream, look for something with Vitamin E which is great for repairing the skin (it does not need to cost a lot) and take some time to examine your skin. Stop smoking, it is terrible for your skin. Take a good long bath. It is good for the skin and it helps you relax. Stress is terrible for the skin (and the rest of your body). With in 6 months after quitting my corporate job, friends commented I looked refreshed, when I ran into an old co-worker a year later they accused me of getting “a whole bunch of plastic surgery done” because I looked so much younger without all that stress. Wash yourself all over daily. Dry yourself thoroughly after a shower or bath, a simple task but apparently too much work for some (get some good quality soft luxurious towels). Some men swear by talcum powder.

The interesting thing is that none of these care tips for men are new. Up trough the 1950’s, good grooming habits for men were standard and something that was passed down from father to son, everything from how to shave, treat your skin, trim unwanted hair. Why they fell by the way is beyond me, but it is time we pick them up again. Men are living longer than ever these days, we need to be sure that our skin and body can last and look good for a long time to come. - Jack

Thoughts on Straight People

I was invited to no less than 4 naked parties this past weekend. These ranged from a naked happy hour at a local bar to an elegant early Christmas party to a good ol’ fashion naked play party. I didn’t go to any of them. I know, if you don't take advantage of these things, they will go away, but I wanted to spend some time with my partner.

Still, I think it is fascinating that nudity is catching on. There are 5 naked yoga classes for men a week here. There are 4 well organized male oriented nudist social groups that I am aware of. There is always the local bath house which most people still wear a towel at, but more and more are carrying the towel over their shoulder (not that I would know personally mind you, it is just what I have been told).

I used to feel sorry for the straight people; I just assumed that straight people do not have the same kind of fun as gay people. I may be wrong. I know that the straights are kinkier than the gays. There are a couple of organized kink groups for gay men but there are several for straights (they say they are pansexual, but that is just being PC). There is a small dungeon owned and operated by a few gay men and a really large one owned and operated by a straight guy. The large one has a men’s only party once a month that I really should go to, I really want to see the inside of the place, but I hear the attendance has been really low. Besides, I would have to dig out my S and M toy bag which is covered with dust under my bed. The rest of the month (at least 3 times a week, often more) it is used by straight people.

The straights have several organizations here: swinging, BDSM, education, playing and etc. Somehow I have gotten on quite a few of their mailing lists. I love that straights can get kinky and wild. It gives me hope for the future. While some of the groups have very strict rules about attendance, most are pretty gung ho about anything. The swingers will only allow couples and single women, no single men. Basically saying that it is OK for the women to go there but we are too macho for the guys to play together. That is not exactly true. The reason for the rule is to encourage the women to feel safe and to control the numbers. If it were open to anyone, there would be 50 men for every one woman (at least that is what happened with my co-ed on-line massage group). While that would not bother me in particular, it would bother a lot of the guys.

The BDSM groups tend to be a bit more balanced naturally. I am not sure why that is, but I can tell you that there are some pretty aggressive dominant women out there. I have attended a few of their classes and met a wide range of people and let me tell you, most of the men were being very submissive. I hear that the parties are a lot more balanced between male and female doms. They have several conventions a year here, hosted be different groups. They also have a summer camp in a near be town (used to be a kids summer camp) which hosts something nearly every weekend and many multi week functions.

Anyway, these straight groups boast very large and active memberships. There are numerous subgroups that have their own interests like bondage groups, pony play, spanking, sissy maids, under 40 and of course those that gather for theatre events or for brunch. The reason this has me so excited is that these people are forming good friendships and communities based on their sexual lives. I thought only gay men and lesbians did that. These are groups of people who have different politics, religions, ethnic backgrounds and education levels getting together because of their love of sex. Like all groups, they have their issues. I have seen some in-fighting and arguing over policies and the occasional “he said, she said” spats in their on-line exchanges. I have also seen them ban together when one of them needed a hand, or a club was in trouble, or a law needed changing. I have seen them mourn the loss of one of their own. I have seen them yell with pride when one of them gets recognized for a deed in their “normal” lives. They laugh together, they play together, fight, make-up, agree to disagree, celebrate their victories and rally after a loss. Yeah for them!

Some straight men have been attending naked yoga and they want to start a co-ed class. It takes a lot of work and dedication, but mostly it takes one person to stand up and say “OK, what do I need to do” and then do it. I am sure if they want it bad enough, it can happen. I hope it does. - Jack

To tip or not to tip, that is the question

This is actually the most common question I get asked, not during a session mind you, but on-line. Do I tip my masseur, and if so, how much? One man wrote in an on-line discussion “If a therapist works for a studio, s/he certainly deserves a tip (if the massage was good), but if the therapist has an independent practice, s/he sets his/her own rates and shouldn't expect anything on top of that. If a client wishes to give more, fine, but since the price is set by the therapist (unlike in studios, where the MT receives substantially less than the price of the massage), then there is no reason to pay the therapist more than that. After all, we aren't morally obligated or expected to pay our doctor or plumbing contractor more than the price that that professional sets for their services.”

Yeah, well we don’t charge as much as a doctor or a plumber either and I always offer my plumber water, cookies, or whatever I can find, I want him to do as good a job as possible.

Tipping: When going to a salon, 15% to 20% is a good tip since most therapists there have to pay a fee to the owner of the salon for using their space. When going to a private in home studio a tip should not be expected since the therapist should be charging enough to cover their expenses and make a profit. That being said, there is nothing wrong with tipping in-home therapists either.
I tip based on the following:

· How satisfied am I with the massage?

· How close to the time paid was length of the massage (if I paid for 60 min did I get 60)? In case you were wondering, it takes the average client less than one minute to undress and get on the table, same for getting dressed.

· Did I spend a lot of time talking before or after the massage? Time is money, my average client spends at least 15 extra minutes, some much more, including one chatty fellow who has spent an extra hour asking me all kinds of questions until I pushed him out the door.

· What was the original price for the massage? I will tip better to therapists that are charging below average for the market; less for those who are charging the top rates.

· Was I a difficult client? Was I late, was I too early, did I have to re-schedule (big tip), did I have to make numerous calls or emails to the therapist before making the appointment? If I am any more than 10 minutes late and the therapist still offers and provides me with the length of time I originally requested, that is a big tip. Any time you cancel an appointment, especially same day, offer to pay at least half of the agreed fee. This is time that was set aside for you that the therapist could not give to someone else.

· Did I use his shower?

· Did I make any special requests of the therapist?
These bring us to the Erotic or Sensual massage, remember that this practice is illegal in almost every state in the union and can cost a masseur his license, his job, he can be arrested and fined large amounts of money and not allowed to work as a licensed masseur in that state ever again. For this reason alone, any masseur willing to provide this service deserves a huge tip.

I think that prostitution should be legalized, and I think that it is even more unfortunate that an erotic massage would be considered prostitution.

For me, Erotic or Sensual massage falls into two categories based on whether the giver can actually give a massage or not. There area lot of rub and tug people out there who can not give a one hour massage but give a light little rub down and then jack off the client. I don't believe these people should be paid at all (and yet, they usually have the highest rates). If the person can give a real massage and adds sensual or erotic elements and does not charge more for them, I would give them a very nice tip since this is going above and beyond the standard massage. If the therapist charges more for erotic elements, I do not tip (these people bother me and I don't know why). If the massage is in any way interactive (meaning I am allowed to touch the giver), another big tip since this is definitely going above and beyond and takes far more energy and concentration. Never assume that you are giving the therapist what he wants when you are touching him. He is actually giving you what he thinks you want.
I always tip my masseurs (CMT or otherwise, Spa or otherwise) 20% unless it was simply a really bad massage and of course what I can afford at the time. Contrary to popular belief, massage is not a get rich quick profession. According to data from the American Massage Therapy Association:
1. The average masseur works for himself (responsible for their own insurance, benefits, supplies, etc.)
2. Gives less than 10 massages a week.
3. Stays in the industry for less than 8 years.
4. Earns less than $30,000 a year (including tips).
5. Works another job to pay the bills
I do not begrudge someone who cannot afford to tip, I understand that and usually someone who can afford to will tip too much and it will balance in the end. To raise the fee of my work would prevent someone from getting a massage who may really need it. I trust in the balance of the universe.

That being said, I am very honest with the IRS and keep track of every tip that I receive and who gave it to me. I wish I was the kind of person who could say this never has any affect on my service. I am not. Tipping does affect priority of select appointment times, will I change my plans to give a massage, will I forgive them for being late or very early, or canceling, and yes it probably affects the service they get on my table though that is not a conscience decision. Though I hate to admit it, I have even seen bad clients again if they tipped really well, although I still draw lines and there are some I would never see again, regardless or what they paid. I will be more likely to accommodate special requests to a good tipper. A fellow body worker had this to say “Non tippers get what they pay for- if they are late it comes out of their time, and they will be in and out in as close to time as possible. So, tipping- even a little to show appreciation for a good service is not only classy- but expedient. The irony is that most clients who DO tip also tend to ask the least of you- whereas most who don’t also tend to be higher maintenance all the way around.” I too have found that a few of my non-tipping clients tend to be high maintenance.

Another very reasonable practice in some parts of the world is the giving of gifts to the masseur, either something that the client has made or something that the client feels the masseur might enjoy. Personally, I would rather have the cash, but I do usually appreciate the thought (though I have gotten a bit weirded out and worried about the massage relationship, see previous blogs).

I do not do barters for massages. I do not give discounts for students, senior citizens, jocks or pretty boys. I will occasionally do a massage exchange, though if you have read the rest of my blogs, you will know that I have many bad experiences from that.

So, the long and the short of it is you can make your own rules about tipping but the provider will notice and probably remember in the future. - Jack