Thursday, October 18, 2007

When does a massage relationship become something else?

First off, let me apologize for not writing for quite sometime. Life gets in the way for the best of us.

I have several clients that have been coming to me for a very long time. Like all relationships, this client/professional relationship changes with time. I have stated before that I don’t do nude bodywork with a brand new client. If after a time, I determine that I would be comfortable with both of us being nude and they have requested it, I will do the massage in the nude. I will often allow a bit of mutual play if it does not interfere with my ability to do a proper massage. I do not orgasm with my clients since this would interfere with my ability to have the best relationship with my partner as well as prevent from being at my best for each of my customers.

I am often the only male to male contact that many of my clients receive and often have to draw a line and enforce it since they are usually eager for more. Most are fine when I lay down the law but some will never stop asking for more.

There is also a possibility of a client developing an emotional attachment to the body worker. Almost all of my clients will open up to me about their lives, what is bothering them, what they want from life, what their partners don’t seem to understand or how they do not understand their partners. This can lead to a very strong bond that can be confused for more intense feelings. I try to keep an eye on this sort of thing and again to draw lines but these are often a bit more difficult. I want to be a sympathetic ear and help my clients in whatever way I can but it is not my job to be there psychiatrist, nor am I qualified to do so. I should not be there best friend or there male significant other, I already have one of those and do not need or want several more. Also, it can be both emotionally and physically draining on me and eat into a lot of my time since most often they want to talk “off the clock” after their massage is finished.

Since I am often their only male to male contact and often the only gay man that they know well, these conversations usually start with a lot of questions about my life which I try to be as vague as possible about since I like my privacy. They also want to know about my other clients and how they compare emotionally, physically and often financially. There are always a number of questions about what kind of jobs my clients have, status is so important in this country. I listen to them talk about their relationships with their wives, their sex lives, their financial woes, their jobs, and their dreams. All of this is all well and good, but again, lines need to be drawn.

Case in point, I had a client for a couple of years who I knew had developed the wrong sort of attachment when he came to see me not only on his birthday (not uncommon) but also on his wedding anniversary. He started bringing me little gifts (not an issue at first) that gradually were becoming more expensive. He took a trip to Europe with his wife and not only sent me postcards but brought back something from each country. This needed to come to an end so I confronted him with the inappropriateness of the situation and he was embarrassed and angry and I have not seen him since.

Another case was a man who was exploring his sexuality with bodywork and decided that he was gay and didn’t know what to do. He was making an appointment every week and wanting to explore as much as I would allow. He talked about how many years he had suffered in his marriage and was pretty sure that his wife had affairs and that his children were not his. He also had a long military career so exploring his feelings for men was not an option until he had retired. I put him in touch with some local organizations for married gay men. He went once and said that the group wasn’t for him and that he would much rather spend the time with me. To me this was a red flag so I asked him if he had talked to his wife about his attraction to men. He had not and was afraid that she would leave him. Well if he was unhappy in his marriage anyway, what was the big deal? I told him to tell her and give her the opportunity to deal with this new information. Maybe she would leave, maybe not, but at least she should have the truth. I never saw him again.

I have a gentleman who sees me every other week and always wants to take me to lunch afterward to chat about his life and his relationships and pry me for information on mine. I have gone to lunch with him a couple of times which was probably a mistake, but I have not yet felt the need to tell him to back off, yet.

I do worry sometimes about becoming someone’s obsession without my being fully aware of it. Men who develop an obsession with someone can be a very dangerous thing. Gay or straight does not matter here. I have known both who became stalkers or violent. I know that men who are also going through a coming out process can be much more unstable. I was 19 when I came out and was a mess for a couple of years. Older men can be even more crazed by a first same sex crush. They tend to blame the recipient of the crush rather than themselves for their confusion. Example: Client A comes to me for a massage because he is curious about male to male contact. He likes said contact and wants more of it, but because of a lifetime of straight upbringing, he feels confused and ashamed. Does he blame himself for looking for male to male contact? No. He blames the male who gave him his first experience. Why? It simply could not be his fault, so he blames the next most logical person. I know that a couple of my clients have gone through this and stopped seeing me because of it. It’s all fine so far.

Have I ever crossed the line physically with a client? Yes, I have, more than once. I almost always regret it. It is the quickest way to lose a client. I was told that by another professional and didn’t believe him, but he was right. Once that line is crossed, there is no going back and very few will pay you for a massage ever again. Even if they do come back, they want that line crossed again and even further, whether you want to or not, and you will feel obligated to go there. If you don’t, they will feel slighted and never come back again. I have lost a couple of good clients this way, because I gave into a moment of weakness.

What about emotionally? Have I crossed that line with my clients? Have I ever fallen for any of them? Easy enough to answer, no. I think that you have to be open emotionally to that kind of energy and since I have a partner who I love very much, I have never had feelings for any of my clients other than a moment of lust with a few. I would like to call a couple of them friends, but I think we would be friends if I had never given them a massage.

Hope all is well.

- Jack