Don’t bother asking… I won’t tell

Once again Mike Jones is breaking a cardinal rule… telling on a client.

Former male prostitute links two high-profile sex scandals

PlanetOut Network Tue Dec 4, 7:53 PM ET

SUMMARY: A 50-year-old former prostitute from Denver claims to have had sex with both the Rev. Ted Haggard and the conservative senator Larry Craig.

One of the rising stars of evangelical Christian politics resigns after allegations that he had sex with a man. More than a year later, a conservative U.S. senator is embroiled in a similar scandal.

The allegations against the Rev. Ted Haggard and Sen. Larry Craig have a common thread: A 50-year-old former prostitute from Denver named Mike Jones claims he had sex with both.

''I'll put my credibility up against Larry Craig's,'' Jones told The Associated Press on Monday. ''Here's a man that doesn't know the difference between innocence and guilty … I think people know he's been a liar.

OK, I have never met Mr. Jones, but a body worker, massage therapist, or prostitute never gives out names. They just don’t. The DC madam turned over her phone records, which is almost as bad, because she was being arrested and charged with a crime and the people in those records could come to her defense. Jones is just doing this for spite. Not that I don’t understand his feelings at times, I am not particularly fond men who go out of their way to make life rough for homosexuals and then suck dick or take it up the ass at night. One still does not hand out names. It is the most important rule when dealing in a shadier side of life, you see, when you give names you ruin everyone else’s business as well. If these were the good old days, someone would have taken Jones out of the picture by now, either a fellow worker for ruining the trade or a client who did not what to take any chances. Every time something like this comes up, business takes a nose dive. It is difficult enough to get a client to call since they are convinced that we will track their numbers but now when someone is going public with information just because their face was recognized it is near impossible. So many of my clients will only use email to contact me and change email addresses often. I have talked before how the same man will often give me 2 or 4 different names because they can’t remember which they used with me in the past.

The bigger issue of course is that we live in society that cares about what men or women do in private, whether money is involved or not. If society stopped caring men would stop going to the trouble of living double lives, politicians would stop passing harmful legislation, and maybe we could all get along a little better on this planet. What is it with this mentality that your morals must be my morals? If you don’t like what I do, don’t watch. Is it just that people are afraid that someone is having more fun than they are? Well of course we are, because we are not spending all of our time worrying about what everyone else is doing. We are just living our lives. - Jack

Another common problem

OK, an embarrassing issue that can best be discussed in an online forum. Skin rashes. Below are some links to very good sites that discuss a variety of rashes. For the sake of the therapist, if you have a rash, look it up and get it treated. The vast majority of rashes can be treated quickly and easily and will clear up nicely.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/skin-rash/SN00016&slide=1

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/tools/symptom/545.html

http://www.medicinenet.com/rash/article.htm

Many rashes are very contagious, while I usually am able to spot them and avoid them, there are times in my massage that my hand will slide under a leg or elsewhere that I may not see a rash first. When asked about aches, pains, injuries or illnesses always point out any rashes that you might have. If you have a rash and have discovered that it is a contagious type, do not get a massage. Treat the rash and wait for it to completely clear before scheduling a massage.

There is also a common issue of anal leakage. Everyone has anal leakage to some degree. Most people only are concerned with marks on their underwear or unpleasant odors. Another very real concern is the moisture involved as it often leads to the equivalent of adult diaper rash. This can be treated fairly easily, but one needs to be aware of it. If you are experiencing anal itch or pain, stand with your back to a mirror and bend over and spread your cheeks, if it is bright red in color and looks irritated, you may have “diaper rash” and it needs to be treated.

Skin care is an important part of all of our lives. Drink plenty of water, if you use a skin cream, look for something with Vitamin E which is great for repairing the skin (it does not need to cost a lot) and take some time to examine your skin. Stop smoking, it is terrible for your skin. Take a good long bath. It is good for the skin and it helps you relax. Stress is terrible for the skin (and the rest of your body). With in 6 months after quitting my corporate job, friends commented I looked refreshed, when I ran into an old co-worker a year later they accused me of getting “a whole bunch of plastic surgery done” because I looked so much younger without all that stress. Wash yourself all over daily. Dry yourself thoroughly after a shower or bath, a simple task but apparently too much work for some (get some good quality soft luxurious towels). Some men swear by talcum powder.

The interesting thing is that none of these care tips for men are new. Up trough the 1950’s, good grooming habits for men were standard and something that was passed down from father to son, everything from how to shave, treat your skin, trim unwanted hair. Why they fell by the way is beyond me, but it is time we pick them up again. Men are living longer than ever these days, we need to be sure that our skin and body can last and look good for a long time to come. - Jack

Thoughts on Straight People

I was invited to no less than 4 naked parties this past weekend. These ranged from a naked happy hour at a local bar to an elegant early Christmas party to a good ol’ fashion naked play party. I didn’t go to any of them. I know, if you don't take advantage of these things, they will go away, but I wanted to spend some time with my partner.

Still, I think it is fascinating that nudity is catching on. There are 5 naked yoga classes for men a week here. There are 4 well organized male oriented nudist social groups that I am aware of. There is always the local bath house which most people still wear a towel at, but more and more are carrying the towel over their shoulder (not that I would know personally mind you, it is just what I have been told).

I used to feel sorry for the straight people; I just assumed that straight people do not have the same kind of fun as gay people. I may be wrong. I know that the straights are kinkier than the gays. There are a couple of organized kink groups for gay men but there are several for straights (they say they are pansexual, but that is just being PC). There is a small dungeon owned and operated by a few gay men and a really large one owned and operated by a straight guy. The large one has a men’s only party once a month that I really should go to, I really want to see the inside of the place, but I hear the attendance has been really low. Besides, I would have to dig out my S and M toy bag which is covered with dust under my bed. The rest of the month (at least 3 times a week, often more) it is used by straight people.

The straights have several organizations here: swinging, BDSM, education, playing and etc. Somehow I have gotten on quite a few of their mailing lists. I love that straights can get kinky and wild. It gives me hope for the future. While some of the groups have very strict rules about attendance, most are pretty gung ho about anything. The swingers will only allow couples and single women, no single men. Basically saying that it is OK for the women to go there but we are too macho for the guys to play together. That is not exactly true. The reason for the rule is to encourage the women to feel safe and to control the numbers. If it were open to anyone, there would be 50 men for every one woman (at least that is what happened with my co-ed on-line massage group). While that would not bother me in particular, it would bother a lot of the guys.

The BDSM groups tend to be a bit more balanced naturally. I am not sure why that is, but I can tell you that there are some pretty aggressive dominant women out there. I have attended a few of their classes and met a wide range of people and let me tell you, most of the men were being very submissive. I hear that the parties are a lot more balanced between male and female doms. They have several conventions a year here, hosted be different groups. They also have a summer camp in a near be town (used to be a kids summer camp) which hosts something nearly every weekend and many multi week functions.

Anyway, these straight groups boast very large and active memberships. There are numerous subgroups that have their own interests like bondage groups, pony play, spanking, sissy maids, under 40 and of course those that gather for theatre events or for brunch. The reason this has me so excited is that these people are forming good friendships and communities based on their sexual lives. I thought only gay men and lesbians did that. These are groups of people who have different politics, religions, ethnic backgrounds and education levels getting together because of their love of sex. Like all groups, they have their issues. I have seen some in-fighting and arguing over policies and the occasional “he said, she said” spats in their on-line exchanges. I have also seen them ban together when one of them needed a hand, or a club was in trouble, or a law needed changing. I have seen them mourn the loss of one of their own. I have seen them yell with pride when one of them gets recognized for a deed in their “normal” lives. They laugh together, they play together, fight, make-up, agree to disagree, celebrate their victories and rally after a loss. Yeah for them!

Some straight men have been attending naked yoga and they want to start a co-ed class. It takes a lot of work and dedication, but mostly it takes one person to stand up and say “OK, what do I need to do” and then do it. I am sure if they want it bad enough, it can happen. I hope it does. - Jack

To tip or not to tip, that is the question

This is actually the most common question I get asked, not during a session mind you, but on-line. Do I tip my masseur, and if so, how much? One man wrote in an on-line discussion “If a therapist works for a studio, s/he certainly deserves a tip (if the massage was good), but if the therapist has an independent practice, s/he sets his/her own rates and shouldn't expect anything on top of that. If a client wishes to give more, fine, but since the price is set by the therapist (unlike in studios, where the MT receives substantially less than the price of the massage), then there is no reason to pay the therapist more than that. After all, we aren't morally obligated or expected to pay our doctor or plumbing contractor more than the price that that professional sets for their services.”

Yeah, well we don’t charge as much as a doctor or a plumber either and I always offer my plumber water, cookies, or whatever I can find, I want him to do as good a job as possible.

Tipping: When going to a salon, 15% to 20% is a good tip since most therapists there have to pay a fee to the owner of the salon for using their space. When going to a private in home studio a tip should not be expected since the therapist should be charging enough to cover their expenses and make a profit. That being said, there is nothing wrong with tipping in-home therapists either.
I tip based on the following:

· How satisfied am I with the massage?

· How close to the time paid was length of the massage (if I paid for 60 min did I get 60)? In case you were wondering, it takes the average client less than one minute to undress and get on the table, same for getting dressed.

· Did I spend a lot of time talking before or after the massage? Time is money, my average client spends at least 15 extra minutes, some much more, including one chatty fellow who has spent an extra hour asking me all kinds of questions until I pushed him out the door.

· What was the original price for the massage? I will tip better to therapists that are charging below average for the market; less for those who are charging the top rates.

· Was I a difficult client? Was I late, was I too early, did I have to re-schedule (big tip), did I have to make numerous calls or emails to the therapist before making the appointment? If I am any more than 10 minutes late and the therapist still offers and provides me with the length of time I originally requested, that is a big tip. Any time you cancel an appointment, especially same day, offer to pay at least half of the agreed fee. This is time that was set aside for you that the therapist could not give to someone else.

· Did I use his shower?

· Did I make any special requests of the therapist?
These bring us to the Erotic or Sensual massage, remember that this practice is illegal in almost every state in the union and can cost a masseur his license, his job, he can be arrested and fined large amounts of money and not allowed to work as a licensed masseur in that state ever again. For this reason alone, any masseur willing to provide this service deserves a huge tip.

I think that prostitution should be legalized, and I think that it is even more unfortunate that an erotic massage would be considered prostitution.

For me, Erotic or Sensual massage falls into two categories based on whether the giver can actually give a massage or not. There area lot of rub and tug people out there who can not give a one hour massage but give a light little rub down and then jack off the client. I don't believe these people should be paid at all (and yet, they usually have the highest rates). If the person can give a real massage and adds sensual or erotic elements and does not charge more for them, I would give them a very nice tip since this is going above and beyond the standard massage. If the therapist charges more for erotic elements, I do not tip (these people bother me and I don't know why). If the massage is in any way interactive (meaning I am allowed to touch the giver), another big tip since this is definitely going above and beyond and takes far more energy and concentration. Never assume that you are giving the therapist what he wants when you are touching him. He is actually giving you what he thinks you want.
I always tip my masseurs (CMT or otherwise, Spa or otherwise) 20% unless it was simply a really bad massage and of course what I can afford at the time. Contrary to popular belief, massage is not a get rich quick profession. According to data from the American Massage Therapy Association:
1. The average masseur works for himself (responsible for their own insurance, benefits, supplies, etc.)
2. Gives less than 10 massages a week.
3. Stays in the industry for less than 8 years.
4. Earns less than $30,000 a year (including tips).
5. Works another job to pay the bills
I do not begrudge someone who cannot afford to tip, I understand that and usually someone who can afford to will tip too much and it will balance in the end. To raise the fee of my work would prevent someone from getting a massage who may really need it. I trust in the balance of the universe.

That being said, I am very honest with the IRS and keep track of every tip that I receive and who gave it to me. I wish I was the kind of person who could say this never has any affect on my service. I am not. Tipping does affect priority of select appointment times, will I change my plans to give a massage, will I forgive them for being late or very early, or canceling, and yes it probably affects the service they get on my table though that is not a conscience decision. Though I hate to admit it, I have even seen bad clients again if they tipped really well, although I still draw lines and there are some I would never see again, regardless or what they paid. I will be more likely to accommodate special requests to a good tipper. A fellow body worker had this to say “Non tippers get what they pay for- if they are late it comes out of their time, and they will be in and out in as close to time as possible. So, tipping- even a little to show appreciation for a good service is not only classy- but expedient. The irony is that most clients who DO tip also tend to ask the least of you- whereas most who don’t also tend to be higher maintenance all the way around.” I too have found that a few of my non-tipping clients tend to be high maintenance.

Another very reasonable practice in some parts of the world is the giving of gifts to the masseur, either something that the client has made or something that the client feels the masseur might enjoy. Personally, I would rather have the cash, but I do usually appreciate the thought (though I have gotten a bit weirded out and worried about the massage relationship, see previous blogs).

I do not do barters for massages. I do not give discounts for students, senior citizens, jocks or pretty boys. I will occasionally do a massage exchange, though if you have read the rest of my blogs, you will know that I have many bad experiences from that.

So, the long and the short of it is you can make your own rules about tipping but the provider will notice and probably remember in the future. - Jack

Some times we all get stuck

For those who read my blog on a regular basis and keep track of what goes on in my world, you know that I recently had gone through some depressing times, and took some time off. I had been feeling sorry for myself and more than ever wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I was also having feelings of failure and inadequacy. On top of it all I was feeling old and that it was too late to do anything at new with my life.

I am 40 years old.

We all fall victim to negative thoughts and feelings at times. We get stuck in our lives and can’t see a way forward. For some, these are momentary instances, for others, they can drag on for weeks, months or even years. Even if we are aware of what is happening, we most likely cannot force our way out. Negative feelings can completely consume any sense of normal self-worth from the way one feels about the way they look, to pride in your work, to one’s ability to maintain a relationship with others. It is impossible to love someone else if you hate yourself.

The tie-in to body work is that many men come to me in exactly this state. What has brought them to this state is anybody’s guess. Life can be hard and difficult even in the best of circumstances, add in confusion about your sexual orientation or whatever and major depression can set in.

Why would they come to a body worker? It is often my job to make the client feel good about them selves, physically and mentally. For one hour to 90 minutes, this person can be the center of the universe. Someone is willing to pamper and caress every inch of their body and asks for nothing in return, well, except for money, but if I do my job right, they won’t think about that until just before they open the door to leave.

So, what good does feeling better for an hour or 90 minutes? With a little bit of luck, that will be a jumping off place, maybe a chance for them to think clearly for few minutes or an hour so that they can start finding their way out of the darkness. Feeling good again will also help them recognize that they are in a funk or depression perhaps triggering the desire to do something about it. Several of my clients have seen me regularly for 6 months or so and then suddenly disappear. Occasionally I will hear from them again, letting me know that they are in a much better place emotionally. Some have found support groups or sought other forms of counseling. Some have found new relationships that which is a big sign that they are feeling better. Still others have started whole new lives. I am not saying that what I have done for these men cured or even directly affected what happened in their lives, but maybe, it started a chain reaction or tipped a balance.

So what about me and my depression? Well, I was laughing with some friends and I realized that I had not been that happy for quite some time. I was coming out of what ever hole I had fallen into and I didn’t want to go back in. I suddenly was in a position of being able to make a choice, I could fall or I could find a goal and start climbing. I hope that I will keep going up. If it takes 5 years to accomplish a goal and you are already 40, so what, you are going to be 45 either way. - Jack

Back to the big “O”

OK, so after I wrote the OOPS! Blog about premature ejaculators, I thought a lot about those who have the opposite problem, those who will not orgasm.

I can count on one hand the number of clients who have requested a release on my table and were not able to have one. I am not talking about men who cannot ejaculate due to prostate surgery; they still have the orgasm just without the ejaculate. I am also not talking about the men who cannot achieve an erection; they can still have an orgasm as well, including ejaculation. I am talking about men who are hard and medically able but sometimes just can’t have an orgasm.

The main reason there have been so few men who were unable to orgasm on my table is because the body work experience is very relaxing. Relax the body and the mind will follow. Orgasms are much easier if you have stopped thinking about work or your house or wife or kids or whatever.

The Psychology of the Big “O” is interesting. That is basically what it comes down to, a mental ability to have an orgasm. One of the few men who could not orgasm actually warned me before hand that he would probably not be able to have an orgasm since he has only been able to have orgasms alone. He has never been able to have an orgasm in the presence of another person. He only came to see me once, which is a shame because I would have liked to help him more with this issue. Obviously he was unable to orgasm with me in that one session because his mind was already made up that it could not happen. One the biggest hurdles in achieving orgasms is to give yourself permission. You can’t demand it, you can’t force, you can’t fear it, you have to say “yes, it is OK to have an orgasm now.” Sounds strange, but it is true.

In many cases, permission can come from an outside source. Perhaps this sounds familiar to you? “Shoot it! Do it now!” or maybe a little coaxing “Oh yeah baby, let me see you shoot, oh yeah, I feel it building, oh yeah, shoot it for me baby!” In these cases, orgasms are brought about by the decision being taken away from you. I have used this technique on a lot of men and the secret to making it work is the timing, I have to wait until it is obvious that they are having a problem and that they are on the brink of an orgasm but can’t quite make it over. The reason for the waiting to say something is that you have to take away the thought process. If you start too early the client may be thinking “he wants me to orgasm, I want me to orgasm, I need to orgasm for him, why can’t I orgasm?” The thought process you want is like this “I want to orgasm, I am so close, why can’t I orgasm?” then I interrupt with “Shoot it! Do it now!” very commanding and they are taken by surprised and just do it.

The issue for a couple of my clients is that they are not accustomed to receiving pleasure from another. Seriously. Biologically, men usually play a very active role in the sex act. To try to have an orgasm while being passive is very difficult for many men (my self included). It is difficult to just lie there and not engage in the sexual act. That is why I often allow mutual touch in my work, even if it is just holding my penis, it can make a world of difference.

For another client, it is described as sensory overload. If I am working his penis, balls, anus and occasionally tweaking his nips he cannot orgasm. He loves the feelings but it is too much. I can only work one thing at a time, finishing with just the penis while he closes his eyes.

One of the worst things that you can do, when trying to give a man an orgasm, is the “faster and harder” method as this almost never works. It usually just causes irritation. A slow, steady and firm hand is usually the best method. It is also a good idea to ask the man what his trigger is, most of us have them. For me it is my scrotum, for some it is their nipples (this does little for me). For one gentleman I work with it is his neck, rubbing the back of his neck is a sure trigger to make him fly.
I have a straight client who can only release at the end of his session and even then it takes a bit of time. Of course like all straight men, the moment I stoke his anus with my finger, he explodes. ;-) - Jack

Research

I do spend a great deal of time thinking, talking, reading and occasionally practicing sex. One of my favorite writers is Jack Rinella. I don't always agree with him, which is great! Life would be dull if everyone always agreed. Anyway, I wanted to share his most recent column since it is one that I do mostly agree with. - Jack

for Issue number 50
Sunday, November 25, 2007

What Do You Believe About Sex?
By Jack Rinella

As I begin my research into the level, kind, and quality of education
given at our BDSM events, I wonder how often we teach about sex. There
are one a few topics about sex in my own repertoire, such as “Better
Blow Jobs” and “Bedroom Sex,” but they are really only a few among
a long list. My recollection is that sex as a topic per se isn’t a
very popular among us.

My guess is that we don’t teach about it because we make the
assumption that adults know enough about sex that we don’t have to teach it.
Personally I disagree with that estimation. I think that there are very
few sexually-adept players among us, though I have no idea if that
statement is correct. After all, no one has ever invited me to “rate
their performance.” Of course, that ignores the fact that there are
those among us who strongly protest that BDSM has nothing to do with sex.

Does that mean we need a category in our contests called “Sexual
Performance?” If so, then when does a fuck rate a ten or how do you know
whether a blow job is a three or a nine?

A New York Times article (August 23, 2007) about sexual activity in
older Americans noted: “There’s a large perception out there that sex
somehow does not occur in the later years.” The story was based on
research that concluded “Most Americans remain sexually active into
their 60s, and nearly half continue to have sex regularly into their early
70s, researchers are reporting today as a result of the most
comprehensive national survey to date of sexual behavior among older adults.”

Here, then, is an example of the discrepancy between generally-held
beliefs and reality. I bet that there are a large number of such
discrepancies among us, especially when it comes to our beliefs about sexual
activity.

The problem, of course, is that we live in a culture where discussion
about something as intimate as sex is often considered inappropriate.
Our school systems reflect that belief every time the topic of sex
education in school is discussed. Even when sex education is attempted, it
is, as far as I can tell, a matter of either biology or morality. Has
anyone ever heard of high school classes where better technique is taught?
I certainly haven’t.

Now I will admit that I am reflecting my own experience. My parents
never taught me about human sexuality, though my mom did offer to answer
any questions I had. Dad was notoriously silent on the subject. I
remember one day in the eighth grade that Father Douglas took all the boys
into one classroom and Sister took all the girls into another for a
“talk.” It left me with more questions than answers. I suppose that is
to be expected when the sex educators are (or are thought to be)
celibate.

What we feel about sex is highly dependent upon a great number of
influences, many of them having to do with the moral implications of human
sexuality and the unconscious ideas that we hold about it. How many of
us were taught, for instance, that touching one’s genitals was
“dirty?” As a Catholic I was routinely bombarded with the notion that the
“Holy Family” (Jesus, Mary and Joseph) were holier because both mom
and dad were forever virgins. Face it, few married people were ever
called saints. The virgins among us seem to have cornered that market.

I have recently finished a rather academic book entitled “Sin,
Science, and the Sex Police,” by John Money, Ph.D. (Prometheus Books,
1998). Among the many topics he covers is the fundamental belief, held in
both Eastern and Western cultures about “semen conservation.” In the
east, there is the widespread belief that a man must conserve his semen
as it contains vital forces. Wasting semen depletes a man’s energy
and shortens his life span. (Yes that’s a gross over-simplification.)

In the west a similar belief is held about masturbation. I still
remember riding the bus to school one day (I was a freshman) when Brett (a
sophomore and therefore an authority on the matter) told me that men only
had so many orgasms in their bodies and when they had shot the
requisite number, they were forever spent. I would have to be careful, he
noted, to conserve my jism, lest I run out of it.

Today such an idea sounds absurd to me; then I doubted him but it was
still a memorable and I thought) possibly true statement. Looking back
at the number of times I confessed to the sin of masturbation certainly
indicates that I had some kind of guilt over “self-abuse.”

If I had only been raised in Sambia.

“The virtual antithesis of semen-conservation theory is found in the
reinvestment theory of semen recycling, extant until recently among the
stone-aged Sambia people of the Eastern Highlands of New Guinea. They
were studied by the anthropological sexologist, Gilbert Herdt.”

Sambian ”initiation into the rites of puberty begins as early as age
seven or eight. Boys are then removed from the softening influences of
females and infants by leaving the family dwelling to live in the
men’s clubhouse, a large structure in the center of the village from which
all females are excluded. The first stage of the boys’ initiation
into warrior hood is a week-long sequence of sometimes brutally abusive
hazing which, like military hazing in our own culture, requires total
subservience and obedience. One of the ceremonies is named ‘sucking the
flute,’ which is a metaphor for fellatio. On that same ceremonial
night, the initiates are fed men’s milk [semen] by sucking the penises
of the older adolescent boys who are still underage for marriage. The
initiates continue ingesting men’s milk until they have matured enough
to be able to ejaculate their own and recycle it to the next
generation of young initiates. After the tribal marriage age of nineteen, they
recycle
their semen to their wives, for a brief period orally, and then for the
rest of their lives vaginally.” (Money, pp
276-277).

Glimpses of sexual practices of cultures other than our own provide
interesting and sometimes provocative reflections. They give us the
opportunity to reconsider our own practices and the underlying assumptions
that sustain them.

Another book, “Harmful to Minors” by Judith Levine, dispels the
myth that providing children with knowledge about adult sexuality is
dangerous. Her radical theory, well-based in her research, is that we do
more harm than good by our refusal to properly educate our youth about
sexual activity.

I have long felt our children are robbed of healthy information by the
way we hide the “birds and the bees” from their sight. At least in
previous and more agricultural societies, young people knew that
copulation was a fact of life, seen not only in the barn-yard animals, but in
many societies by children who slept in the same room (tent, hut,
cave, etc.) as their parents.

The fact that we have so “sanitized” sex from the education of
children while simultaneously presenting them with a myriad of
sexually-themed media provides a glaring example of the paradoxes and
contradictions that plague our sex-negative culture.

To think that our subculture is immune from the sex-negativity in which
it is exists is to ignore our own prejudices, fears, and shame. That
said, it’s time for all of us to appraise our own needs and to move
toward a healthy view of sex and encourage others, especially event
producers, to provide venues for just such a move.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or
visit my website at
http://leatherviews.c.topica.com/maaiPxsabCZd7a8jIv6b/ where you can
subscribe to this column and receive it weekly. Copyright 2007 by Jack
Rinella, all rights reserved.

One of the most prevalent problems I see in men today:

As a bodyworker, I have seen a lot of men and seen a lot of things one does just not want to see. One of the most common problems is bad feet. I will often say something. Surprisingly, many men so not seem to be aware that having dry, cracked, fungal infected feet is not normal or that something can be done about it. There is no shame in it, so why not do something about it?

Here are some suggestions from http://www.footcaredirect.com/ - Jack

Athletes Foot and Fungus Problems

Athlete's foot typically affects the skin on the feet between the toes, but can move anywhere on the foot and can affect the toenails.
Athlete's foot is a fungal infection of the skin and the nails, usually found on the skin between the toes. When the infection spreads to the toenails, they become thick and distorted.
Fungi are plant organisms (tinea pedis) such as mold and mildew and grow best in conditions that are moist. Bacteria may thrive as a secondary infection, which worsens the symptoms of the disorder and makes it more difficult to cure. A fungal infection is one of the most difficult nail and foot conditions to treat.
It is common to catch athlete's foot from other people who have it by walking on floors that are moist or wet (e.g. at swimming pools and in shared bathroom facilities). Athlete's foot is also much more common in people who tend to have moist feet. Athlete's foot can also be spread by sharing other people's shoes or personal care items such as towels and wash cloths.
Athlete's foot and fungus may also spread to other parts of the body, notably the groin and underarms, by those who scratch their and then touch themselves elsewhere.

Symptoms include:

• On the skin:
• Reddened, cracked, and peeling skin
• Some bleeding
• Itching
• Burning
• Stinging sensation
• Development of small blisters (Blisters often lead to cracking of the skin. When blisters break, small raw areas of tissue are exposed, causing pain and swelling. Itching and burning may increase as the infection spreads. In severe cases the skin may thicken, like a callus, and begin to scale.)
• On the toe nail:
• Change in color (yellow or brown)
• Nail gets thicker
• Bad odor
• Debris collects beneath the nail
• White marks on the nail

Treatment

Self-care treatments:

Bathe your feet at least once a day with soap and warm water. Dry thoroughly after bathing and keep your feet dry. Change socks frequently and buy socks that absorb moisture, such as cotton and wool. Expose your feet to the air for short periods of time throughout the day (do not walk barefoot, however). Wear sandals with open toes whenever possible.
There are a variety of over-the-counter products that can be used to treat the tinea pedis fungus, such as:

• Gordochom Fungicide-Germicide
• Tineacide Antifungal Cream for Foot Fungus
• Tineacide® Antifungal Shoe Spray for Foot Fungus
• NC Anti-Fungal Solution
• Bromi-Lotion Antiperspirant
• RESTORE AF - topical solution restores infected nails

After a period of time, if products used for athlete's foot and fungus fail, prescription topical or oral antifungal drugs, such as Sporonax or Lamisil, can be prescribed by your Podiatrist.

Prevention:

• Wear sandals or shoes when walking on moist or wet floors
• Don't share shoes or personal care items such as towels
• Wear socks made of absorbent materials such as cotton or wool
• Change socks frequently if you perspire heavily
• Choose footwear that allows for the circulation of air
• Keep the floors in shared facilities clean and dry
• Keep your feet clean and dry by dusting Bromi-Talc Foot Powder in shoes and hose and feet
• Clean athletic shoes frequently with a product such as Athletic Shoe Cleaner

Fungal Nails

Fungal infection of toenails, called Onychomycosis, is a common foot health problem that many people do not recognize. Fungi are simple parasitic plant organisms, such as molds and mildew, that do not require sunlight for growth. They easily attack the nail, thriving off keratin, the nail's protein substance.
Onychomycosis is an infection underneath the nail that can also penetrate the nail. If it is ignored, it could impair one's ability to work or even walk because it is frequently accompanied by thickening of the nails, which then cannot be easily trimmed, and may cause pain while wearing shoes. This disease can frequently be accompanied by a secondary bacterial and/or yeast infection in/or about the nail plate.

Symptoms:

• Change in color (yellow or brown)
• Nail gets thicker
• Bad odor
• Debris collects beneath the nail
• White marks on the nail
• This infection is capable of spreading to other toenails, the skin or even the fingernails.

Toenails are especially vulnerable around damp areas where people are likely to be walking barefoot - swimming pools, locker rooms, and showers. Injury to the nail bed may make it more susceptible to all types of infection, including fungal infection. Those who suffer chronic diseases, such as diabetes, circulatory problems, or immune-deficiency conditions, are especially prone to fungal nails.
There are a variety of products that can be used on the foot and toe nails that kill the tinea pedis fungus, such as:

• RESTORE AF - topical solution restores infected nails
• Anti-Fungal Nail Treatment Kit
• Skin & Nail Fungal Treatment Kit
• Gordochom Fungicide-Germicide
• Tineacide Antifungal Cream for Foot Fungus
• Tineacide® Antifungal Shoe Spray for Foot Fungus
• NC Anti-Fungal Solution

Prevention

Clean, dry feet resist disease. Wash the feet with soap and water, and dry thoroughly. Shower shoes should be worn in public areas. Shoes, socks and hosiery should be changed daily. Use a quality foot powder, talcum not cornstarch. Buy shoes that fit well and are made of materials that breathe.

Seeing your Podiatrist

Your Podiatrist can detect a fungal infection early. A suitable treatment plan may include prescribing topical or oral medication (such a Lamisil or Sporonax), and debridgement (removal of diseased nail matter and debris) of an infected nail. Debridgment is one of the most common foot care procedures performed by DPMs. In some cases, surgical treatment may be required. Temporary removal of the infected nail can be performed to permit direct application of a topical antifungal. Permanent removal of a chronically painful nail, which has not responded to any other treatment, permits the fungal infection to be cured and prevents the return of a deformed nail.

Dry Cracked Heels

Dry cracking heels (xeorosis) is a condition of thickening and fissuring (cracking of the bottom part of the heels). In most people this is a nuisance and a cosmetic problem. But when the problem persists, especially in diabetes or people with impaired vascular sufficiency, this can lead to a serious medical problem.

If there is a question of diabetes or vascular problems, referral to a podiatrist, vascular surgeon or orthopedist is recommended. If the calluses are of such a nature that they are bothersome, Pac-A-Derm Heel Treatment, lotions, or paraffin bath treatments, foot baths, theraputic hot boots, brushes and pumice, and pads, are the treatments of choice to relieve the callus on the bottom of the heel.

Sweaty Feet / Foot Odor

Sweaty feet (hyperhydrosis) and smelly feet (bromohydrosis) are two very common, annoying conditions of the feet.
Causes:
Some cases of excessive smelling or sweating of the feet are systemic (throughout the whole body) in nature, such as anemia (low blood count) or hyperthyroidism (overactive thyroid). But most cases have a "local to the foot" cause.

For instance, wearing shoes that have synthetic materials, and socks that are of man made fabric can both contribute to the production of excessive perspiration and the bacteria growth that causes this condition. These two conditions set up a condition called athletes foot (tinea pedis). Unfortunately, most shoes are made of synthetic materials, especially tennis shoes, so if sweaty/smelly feet is a high concern, you will want to be especially careful when shopping for shoes.
Treatment:
There are a host of medications, lotions, powders and creams that are effective against these conditions. Oxistat is an excellent medication for tinea pedis. Bromi Talc and Bromi-lotion Anti-perspirant are excellent for sweaty or smelly feet. Sof Sole insoles, and paraffin bath treatments are also helpful in reducing the level of perspiration of the foot. DID YOU KNOW...
There are approximately 250,000 sweat glands in each pair of feet that release nearly a cup of moisture every day?

OOOPS! That almost never happens.

So, most of my clients wonder what happens when I am with other clients. Why? Not sure. I suppose it is either because they want to be sure that they are getting the same deal as everyone else, or more likely, whether or not they themselves are “normal.”

I am not the type normally to tell dirty little secrets and heaven forbid that I should gossip or ever name names, however, in the interest of the greater good I will share a story or two. These people are all real and they are all perfectly normal. No names will be given and if you recognize yourself, please, just smile and say “Hey! I made Jack’s Blog!” and realize that it is all meant to be in good fun.

OK. I have heard tell about men who have real problems with premature ejaculation. Personally, my idea of premature ejaculation is anytime I have an orgasm before my partner, whether after three minutes or three hours of sex. It has come to my attention that premature ejaculation is a real problem for a lot of men. As I have stated before, it usually takes on average of 90 seconds for a man to orgasm once I actually start paying attention to his “no touch” zone and during my normal bodywork session this happens about ¾ of the way through the session. Once in a while things happen a little quicker than normal.

Case in point, a very nice gentleman was on my table and we got to the no touch zone and I stroked down and then up once and he shot. Caught me by surprise and now I was 90 seconds ahead of schedule. After he shoots, then he tells me that he has a bit of a hair trigger. No kidding.

Case #2: Another gentleman was on my table lying face down. Just before it is time for him to turn over, I get on the table between his legs and work on his back one last time. No sooner do I place my hands on his back and start sliding forward and I hear the fateful “uh..uh..uh..uhng!” and the seed has been spilled.

Case #3: A younger gentleman was on my table lying face down during the first half of the session, I have just worked his left leg and slide my hand down under his hip bone and his glutes start twitching and his breathing quickens and sure enough, he had shot. This would have been about 35 minutes into a 90 minute session.

Case #4: My personal favorite. This is a married man in his late 50’s who has only recently started exploring his interest in men. I have given him massages in the past and the normal situation has been that when we reach the 90 seconds, he has been unable to achieve an erection until after he orgasms, then he gets immediately rock hard and the subsides again. This particular session, he asked if he could hug me before we started the session, I had no major objections. So he has undressed, we are standing and we hug and he holds me incredibly tight and I am thinking this is kind of sweet and sad. He body starts shaking and at first I think that he may be crying (it happens) so I just pat his back and say “it’s alright, just let it out” and he does, all over my leg and hip and then he gets hard. When I realized what has happened, I just laugh and start wiping up the mess.

There is also the man who will let go when I massage his chest. Several that have let go when I massage their glutes or the ones who have the big O if I graze their balls.

So while none of these would be considered the “norm” they are still normal and it happens to a lot of men. One gentleman has been doing home exercise where he masturbates; starting and stopping, to try and make the experience last longer. He has made it to 30 minutes. The good news for him is that it has been working and during our sessions he has been able to last much longer.

So, that is one set of stories about the “other guys” who see me. Perhaps I will share more in the future. - Jack

OK, so between clients...

I do theoretically have a great deal of free time to do all these amazing things with my life. So what is it that I do?

There is always some Prep work to do for the massage business. Every appointment is treated like a first date. The rugs are vacuumed, floors are swept, I shower and shave, the bathroom is cleaned, the massage creams are checked and filled, candles are lit, tissues are checked, phones are checked to be sure they will not make any noise, the CD’s are checked to be sure that there is a variety of music available, white sage is burned to clear the energy of the room, deodorizers are sprayed to be sure everything smells fresh, the massage table is prepared with fresh linens, and the fresh towels are made ready. Two to three times a week I do laundry so it doesn’t become overwhelming with the linens and the towels (fresh sheets, face cradle, and towels for every massage). I make a monthly run for supplies of creams, candles, oils, bottled water and the like. 30 minutes before an erotic bodywork session, I will watch porn to be sure that I am in the mood.

When the mood strikes me, I work on this Blog. One of my main goals over the past two years has been to do more writing. This Blog is only one of my projects. I have also started a real self help book. I have started two plays. I have started my autobiography. So I have started a lot of projects but have finished none. I need to work on that. I have discovered that I do my best writing after I have had an orgasm. This is a bit counterproductive since I also do sensual work. I need to be able to have an erection at a moments notice for my clients so I can’t just start the day with an orgasm and get to writing. There is a proper balance to be found somewhere here, just not sure where. I bet that most people do their best work after an orgasm. Something for all of you to think about and perhaps try in your daily lives.

I do my exercises between clients when I remember to, I do not have the exercise gene that makes me want to do it every day. I have been into looking for healthier recipes on line. One of the worst things about working from home is the constant availability of food, so I am trying to surround myself with healthier foods and really do eat an apple a day.

I surf the net. I do some advertising online and of course try to answer any emails promptly. I manage a couple of Yahoo groups. I also just like surfing.

I watch daytime TV. I admit it. It is at times a real addiction. I love the View. Every time I watch that show, I thank god that I am not a woman. I saw the exodus of Star, the whole Rosie 9 months and the fight with Elizabeth. Whoopie is on it now and she’s doing well. Barbara still embarrasses herself every time she makes an appearance. I have decided that I would be a great daytime talk show host. People naturally open to me, they like me, and I like to think that I could offer a much more realistic point of view. I have been around the block a few times, I understand people.

I clean the apartment, organize closets, cook meals. I am a good little house husband.

I should be reading books, when I find a good one I race through it. If a book doesn’t really grab me in the first chapter, I will probably never finish it. I do a lot of Sudoku. Keeps my mind sharp, I only do the Fiendish ones now.

Occasionally, I will go to a museum or watch a movie, though not often. If I don’t have a client scheduled for the day, I usually will spend the morning on my advertising and sit around waiting for the phone to ring or checking my email, so leaving the house is a rare thing for me.

Christmas is coming up and I am already trying to figure out where to put the tree. It will take at least two days to decorate. I tend to go a little overboard at Christmas.

I will occasionally set up a massage exchange, even pay for a massage once in a while. I take baths. I have learned to love a good soaking bath. It took some time. I used to get really bored after the first 10 minutes, but now with my Sudoku book I can stay in there for an hour easily. It is great medicine and I highly encourage everyone to do it.

I will occasionally do some activist work fighting for gay rights. I have all of my senators and representatives both local and national listed in my email addresses so I can send them an email anytime I read about something that I think they should know about or if read that they did something stupid.

Things that I should be doing: Reading more, writing more, making a 5 year plan, figuring out how to buy a house, bettering myself with classes and figuring what I should do next with my life. I will try to work on that as well.

- Jack

Energy and getting back to me

Sorry again for not writing for so long.

I have been depressed for a while. A good friend of mine died in early September and it is taking me longer to get over it than I thought it would. I am used to helping other people with their problems; I forgot that I often have my own.

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to do what I do. Not just physically but emotionally. To be any good at bodywork whether or not it is sensual, you must be focused on the moment and on the client. You must be constantly watching for feedback, sometimes verbal, sometimes non-verbal. You listen to the body with your hands and with your eyes.

Physically, giving a massage does take a lot energy. If you have ever tried to rub every inch of another person for a total of 90 minutes you would know what I mean. While there are ways to make giving a massage easier (body dynamics) it can still be a great deal of work. I personally cannot do more than three in a day. Many fellow workers have suffered injuries that have resulted in months off the job.

There is also an exchange of energy in every session. Most men who come to me need to be re-invigorated which has a tendency to drain a lot of energy from me. Those with sexual needs will drain even more. Add to that, men with emotional issues such as: issues with their sexual identity, difficulty with their spouses, extreme loneliness and etc., well you get the idea. It can take a lot out of you.

One of my clients said to me this week that I should charge Psychiatrist rates; he had been seeing a Psychiatrist for years to deal with his bisexuality and his relationship with his wife. He gets an erotic massage from me and talks about his feelings about men, and his devotion to his wife. Usually my advice is to not get hung up on labels but to also be honest with his wife. I don’t know whether he has done it or not, but I continue to listen. Some men cry, some send me long emails, some ask advice and some just want to talk. Of course there are a few who say nothing at all, these are sometimes the most draining since they are just sucking energy, not sure how else to explain it but you can literally feel them sucking the energy from you. I think it is one of the reasons that so many bodyworkers leave the field after a couple of years (that and the pay is not nearly as exciting as you would think).

Since my friend’s death, I have cut down on the number of clients I have been taking. I just have not had the energy to do 2 or 3 massages a day. This has meant less money, but sacrifices have to be made if you want to survive. I believe that if I had tried to do the same number of clients the quality of the massage would have been terrible which could mean losing long time clients. I have also known men in my field who have had serious breakdowns and at least one who committed suicide.

So how do I re-charge? Take time for myself, spend time with friends, give myself time to mourn, I probably should have sought professional help but I didn’t have good enough sense to realize it. I have seen more bad television and movies and even a couple of questionable plays than anyone should see. I have taken a lot of baths. I have cleaned closets, sorted out old clothing, made soups from scratch, re-arranged furniture and put it back again. I have taken long walks, gone window shopping, slept, talked on the phone, anything that didn’t require any focused thought.

Where am I now? I am at the point where I realize that I was worse than I thought I was and I want to get back to me again.

As I slowly start coming back to myself, I will start doing more massage and more postings to this site.

When does a massage relationship become something else?

First off, let me apologize for not writing for quite sometime. Life gets in the way for the best of us.

I have several clients that have been coming to me for a very long time. Like all relationships, this client/professional relationship changes with time. I have stated before that I don’t do nude bodywork with a brand new client. If after a time, I determine that I would be comfortable with both of us being nude and they have requested it, I will do the massage in the nude. I will often allow a bit of mutual play if it does not interfere with my ability to do a proper massage. I do not orgasm with my clients since this would interfere with my ability to have the best relationship with my partner as well as prevent from being at my best for each of my customers.

I am often the only male to male contact that many of my clients receive and often have to draw a line and enforce it since they are usually eager for more. Most are fine when I lay down the law but some will never stop asking for more.

There is also a possibility of a client developing an emotional attachment to the body worker. Almost all of my clients will open up to me about their lives, what is bothering them, what they want from life, what their partners don’t seem to understand or how they do not understand their partners. This can lead to a very strong bond that can be confused for more intense feelings. I try to keep an eye on this sort of thing and again to draw lines but these are often a bit more difficult. I want to be a sympathetic ear and help my clients in whatever way I can but it is not my job to be there psychiatrist, nor am I qualified to do so. I should not be there best friend or there male significant other, I already have one of those and do not need or want several more. Also, it can be both emotionally and physically draining on me and eat into a lot of my time since most often they want to talk “off the clock” after their massage is finished.

Since I am often their only male to male contact and often the only gay man that they know well, these conversations usually start with a lot of questions about my life which I try to be as vague as possible about since I like my privacy. They also want to know about my other clients and how they compare emotionally, physically and often financially. There are always a number of questions about what kind of jobs my clients have, status is so important in this country. I listen to them talk about their relationships with their wives, their sex lives, their financial woes, their jobs, and their dreams. All of this is all well and good, but again, lines need to be drawn.

Case in point, I had a client for a couple of years who I knew had developed the wrong sort of attachment when he came to see me not only on his birthday (not uncommon) but also on his wedding anniversary. He started bringing me little gifts (not an issue at first) that gradually were becoming more expensive. He took a trip to Europe with his wife and not only sent me postcards but brought back something from each country. This needed to come to an end so I confronted him with the inappropriateness of the situation and he was embarrassed and angry and I have not seen him since.

Another case was a man who was exploring his sexuality with bodywork and decided that he was gay and didn’t know what to do. He was making an appointment every week and wanting to explore as much as I would allow. He talked about how many years he had suffered in his marriage and was pretty sure that his wife had affairs and that his children were not his. He also had a long military career so exploring his feelings for men was not an option until he had retired. I put him in touch with some local organizations for married gay men. He went once and said that the group wasn’t for him and that he would much rather spend the time with me. To me this was a red flag so I asked him if he had talked to his wife about his attraction to men. He had not and was afraid that she would leave him. Well if he was unhappy in his marriage anyway, what was the big deal? I told him to tell her and give her the opportunity to deal with this new information. Maybe she would leave, maybe not, but at least she should have the truth. I never saw him again.

I have a gentleman who sees me every other week and always wants to take me to lunch afterward to chat about his life and his relationships and pry me for information on mine. I have gone to lunch with him a couple of times which was probably a mistake, but I have not yet felt the need to tell him to back off, yet.

I do worry sometimes about becoming someone’s obsession without my being fully aware of it. Men who develop an obsession with someone can be a very dangerous thing. Gay or straight does not matter here. I have known both who became stalkers or violent. I know that men who are also going through a coming out process can be much more unstable. I was 19 when I came out and was a mess for a couple of years. Older men can be even more crazed by a first same sex crush. They tend to blame the recipient of the crush rather than themselves for their confusion. Example: Client A comes to me for a massage because he is curious about male to male contact. He likes said contact and wants more of it, but because of a lifetime of straight upbringing, he feels confused and ashamed. Does he blame himself for looking for male to male contact? No. He blames the male who gave him his first experience. Why? It simply could not be his fault, so he blames the next most logical person. I know that a couple of my clients have gone through this and stopped seeing me because of it. It’s all fine so far.

Have I ever crossed the line physically with a client? Yes, I have, more than once. I almost always regret it. It is the quickest way to lose a client. I was told that by another professional and didn’t believe him, but he was right. Once that line is crossed, there is no going back and very few will pay you for a massage ever again. Even if they do come back, they want that line crossed again and even further, whether you want to or not, and you will feel obligated to go there. If you don’t, they will feel slighted and never come back again. I have lost a couple of good clients this way, because I gave into a moment of weakness.

What about emotionally? Have I crossed that line with my clients? Have I ever fallen for any of them? Easy enough to answer, no. I think that you have to be open emotionally to that kind of energy and since I have a partner who I love very much, I have never had feelings for any of my clients other than a moment of lust with a few. I would like to call a couple of them friends, but I think we would be friends if I had never given them a massage.

Hope all is well.

- Jack

Women

There is no doubt in my mind that men are more sexually charged than women, or at least are more willing to do something about it.

I have belonged to a couple of on-line all male massage groups that are primarily dealing with men looking for sensual or erotic massage. I have stated before one of them had a poll where only half the men identified as gay, which got me wondering about straight men and even more importantly women.

We all know that there have been “massage parlors” where men can go to get a rub-down from a woman with a little extra thrown in and they obviously do decent business since there are many around and have been for centuries. So straight men can always go there, even though some have found them second rate and prefer now to go to a gay man for a massage and a little extra.

What about women? I know that many women go to spas to get massages on a regular basis, and I have always assumed that these are very legit massages whether they are from a woman or a man. Do women want or even like a sensual massage? Do they have different needs? Or are they just a lot more conservative than men and see a sensual massage from a stranger as dirty and wrong?

I started an on-line group for men and women that is modeled after a very successful one for men. The description for the group was as follows, stolen almost entirely from the men’s group:

This group is ONLY FOR ADULTS (18 years old and up). We welcome any and all who enjoy receiving, giving, and/or learning massage and other types of bodywork. Human touch benefits everyone in body, mind, and soul and is essential for a healthy happy mental, emotional and spiritual life. In our society touching is generally taboo and tragically the reason most Americans are extremely touch-deprived. How many times a day do you get a hug or get a gentle caress on your back? Whether you're interested in strictly massage or something more sensual; if you are a professional; or if you're inexperienced and just want to learn massage; this club is a good place to connect with other like-minded people.
PLEASE NOTE: That there are plenty of groups for people looking for sexual connections. This group is not one of them. While it's understood that so often the sensual intimacy of massage can lead to a more erotic experience for consenting adults; this group's focus is on massage. And while it's encouraged that you ask for particular stats of who you would prefer to work with and/or give your stats, please do NOT post references to sexual acts or genitals. All messages are screened to keep out flamers, spammers, sexually graphic descriptions and off-topic subjects.

The idea was to make it sound both open to sensual touch but also as safe as possible. I then advertised the group on craigslist.org in the therapeutic section; after all, you can find anything on craigslist.org. In no time at all I had 100 people sign up. I insisted that they have their sex listed in their profile so I would know who was signing up. Of the first 100 people, only three were women. Based on the postings thus far, those three women could be very busy for a very long time if they so choose.

There are people, both men and women, who offer these services for women, I see the ads every so often. Some think quite highly of themselves and charge an arm and a leg, many of these I noticed also will do the same for men. Then there are others who I see advertise that are willing to provide sensual massage for women for free or as little as $10 an hour, apparently they realize how small the market really is.

One of my female friends that I chatted about this with said that all women love sensual massage, and every straight male should learn how to give a woman proper sensual massage. As far as paying for a sensual massage, she said she would rather give her money to someone who knows how to give a really good massage than to pay for a sensual one and take a chance that it may not be as good. Now, if she had a really good recommendation of a sensual massage guy who charged a decent rate, she would go immediately. So, is it about value shopping?

One of my lesbian friends told me that she and her friends exchange sensual massages all the time, they have free form massage parties whenever they all get together, some of the girls are straight some are not at all, it doesn’t matter, they all just have fun. I have no idea if she was kidding or not. Knowing her as I do, it would not surprise me if it was all true.

Apparently skill level is a big thing for women. When asking around the biggest comment that I heard was that many men just don’t know how to give a woman a good massage. In the same way that straight men will go to a gay man for a sensual massage because they know how to touch a man, women want to go to someone who knows how to touch a woman. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a lesbian or even another woman, but someone who has been taught by various women how to truly touch a woman.

All of this still doesn’t seem to answer the question, do many women look for sensual massage? If not, why not? Are they just certain that it doesn’t exist? That it would never live up to their expectations? Is it that they don’t find it acceptable to do? If there are any women who read this, which I would not be surprised if they are not, but if they do, I would love to hear more about why more women don’t look for this type of work.

- Jack

The loss of a Friend

This post is a little off topic, but it is still about me and my life, just not necessarily as a bodyworker, but as a friend. Forgive the errors, I am tired.

A very dear friend of mine died very suddenly yesterday. It is slowly sinking in. For our purposes we will call her Margo. She was the kind of friend that you could share a lot of secrets with, a lot dreams with, and a lot really fascinating times with. She had a disease since her youth that would eventually kill her. Cystic Fibrosis. She never once let that get her down and her plans for the future included a luxurious retirement.

I met Margo many years ago through a mutual friend, and at first that was how she was referred to, you know, her friend, Margo.

Anyway, as time passed we (my partner and I) got to know Margo better. I even was a model for an advertising campaign that she worked for. My partner and I moved away to a larger city and much to our surprise, Margo called us to meet her since she was going to be in town for a conference. A couple of months later she called again asking if she could crash with us as she had a job interview in our town. A few months later, she moved to the other side of our town and very shortly we started an amazing ritual, Sunday Brunch with all you can drink Mimosas.

Sometimes it was just the three of us, sometimes up to nine but we tried to be sure never more than two weeks past without a Brunch. Over the years we have seen each other at our best and at our worst. We have gotten jobs, lost jobs, helped each other move, and even explored the underbelly of sexual deviation. That’s right, we even attended BDSM classes together (you have to look to find them, but find them we did). We were there when her beloved dog died and also when she picked out her new puppy and we watched it grow to a beautiful dog. We went to plays together, art shows, wine and cheese tastings, Renn Fairs, and even this dreadful herb festival that she insisted we attend each year.

Through this all we knew that Margo was ill. She would suddenly have a long coughing fit and we would pause the conversation until she was done and then continue on as if little or nothing had happened. I read up on Cystic Fibrosis and had a good idea of what was eventually coming. I took her to the hospital occasionally for office visits or procedures and hold her hand when ever needed. Eventually things starting getting worse, it was obvious from her weight loss. There was talk about a lung transplant and I knew that was a bad sign. From my readings, I knew a transplant is a last ditch effort since it is such a delicate procedure.

It was getting more difficult for her to get out and often her meds would mean that she could not drink. So we started a new ritual with out much fanfare, Scrabble night. The funny thing about Scrabble night was that I was the only one who really enjoyed Scrabble, the rest just realized that it was nothing more than an excuse to get together every week or two to socialize instead of brunch.

Eventually the talk of new lungs became a regular bit of conversation and money was raised to put her on the list ($200,000 in cash just to get her on the list and that was with good insurance). Doctors informed Margo that if she did not get new lungs she had about 6 months to live. We now found ourselves in waiting game. Margo was still making plans for her future and all of the things she would be able to do with her new lungs. She was on oxygen all the time now and she hated that. What 40 year old, fiercely independent woman wouldn’t? At first she didn’t want to leave her house at all but eventually we convinced her that the purpose of the oxygen was to set her free. Time continued to pass and we would wait for “the call” for new lungs. We had one false call that was a great dry run and got us all very excited. Life continued, bills collected, her work dropped off, Scrabble games picked up and every major holiday weekend we held our breaths since those were statistically the best weekends for transplants.

The 6 months came and went and still we waited. It was almost a year and a half and Margo was still waiting. Things were starting to look a little bleak. Her health was deteriorating, and we all knew that something had to happen soon. Worst of all, Margo was getting tired. Her phone calls were a little sadder each time and she would talk about how she was tired all the time, she was tired of waiting, and she was tired of being sick.

Yesterday morning she and I exchanged some mundane silly emails. She went grocery shopping and talked to another friend about how she had gotten a good night sleep the night before, but could still use a nap. About 30 minutes later, an EMT called that friend and said that they were at Margo’s house and about to take her to the hospital, she had coughed up a lot blood, and that the friend should meet them there. The friend called me to let me know what was happening and we agreed that I would wait until she had more information before I leave. Margo never made it to the hospital.

We received the call and volunteered to go and take care of the dog and the house. We were warned that there may be a mess. It was true. We entered the house (Margo had long ago given us a key) and immediately went to let the dog out of her pen to walk her. As my partner was doing that, I started noticing the blood. It was spattered on the kitchen floor and the floor in her back room. There was a towel and a rug bunched up in front of the bathroom door that had a lot of blood on it. I opened the bathroom door and saw that the sink was half full of blood and that it was spattered on the walls and the floor as well. Apparently her lungs had ruptured and she had coughed up several pints of blood. I closed the bathroom door and took a deep breath.

I went to find the cleaning supplies and started on the floors. I for a moment considered putting the towel and rug in the washing machine and realized what for, throw them away. My partner returned and put the dog in a cage in another room and joined me in the cleaning. I let him take over the floors while I headed for the bathroom. The blood in the sink was a combination of congealed and liquid blood. The sink itself seemed clogged. I did the only thing I could think of and take paper towel and start scooping the mess out of the sink and into the toilet. I got to the bottom and discovered the stopper was in the sink. I removed the rest of the solids and the stopper and started running the water. From this point I could now just start cleaning the sink. I had made a mild bleach solution and scrubbed everything, the sink, the floor, the walls trying to make sure that I got every crevasse. Once that was done, everything was gone over again with regular bathroom cleaners. There was another small rug in the back room and one in the kitchen that also had a few spots, these I did throw in the washer, though later I was left wondering who I had washed them for.

Having cleaned up the blood we let the dog out so she would not be left locked up for so long. We put away Margo’s groceries. It seemed like the right thing to do. We then cleaned the stick-up Easter Eggs that had been on her front window for almost 5 months, no one else needed to see those.

We heard from the family and found that they were having the body transported to their home state and would not be coming to Margo’s House for at least a week and would pick up the dog at that time, we were to decide what would be best for the dog until then. We were making phone calls on where to leave the dog since my partner had more sense than I did at this point (I wanted to bring the dog home with us, it would not have been a good solution). Our mutual friend who had been at the hospital showed up and confirmed what we thought about where to keep the dog (another friend with dogs and children so the dog would get a lot of attention). We then all consoled each other and went back to work.

Another aspect of being good friends in a case like this is removing those things from the house that Margo’s parents did not need to see. You know, those things like materials we had picked up at the BDSM classes and various toys and books. Her journals where she talks about the love of her life went with us as well, though those will be given to her sister.

We were left alone again waiting for the friend who was coming to pick up the dog. As we were gathering the dog’s things, I noticed the Aero Bed that we had loaned to Margo for the extra guests expected if she had gotten the transplant, we would need to take that with us as well. I noticed for the first time that there was something that we had given Margo in every room, some from our travels and other gifts bought for her birthdays or Christmases. I wondered what would happen to them. I thought about taking them, but that seemed so wrong at the time. We did take the stuff that we had brought to Margo’s for our Scrabble nights including the board and the liquor.

The person taking care of the dog showed up and we had to load up the dog’s pen and then we had to say good-bye to the dog. It was then that it suddenly was all very real. It wasn’t the cleaning, or the packing, or the sorting through various sundries, it was saying good-bye to a silly little dog that finally made me realize that my friend is dead.

We went through the house one last time to be sure that everything that should be off was off and anything that was supposed to be closed was closed and that the place was locked up tight.

Today was spent with phone calls and emails and playing tag to be sure that everyone has the most current information. I called a friend that Margo introduced us to who now lives in Ireland, I called my mother who had always loved Margo, I called Margo’s mother to let her know that the dog is being well taken care of. I called Margo’s best friend from that town where we met and listened to her cry for a while. I called the love of Margo’s life, a married man that she had an affair with on and off for a few years and whom she never got over. I let him know that I knew about their relationship so he could cry for a few moments and apologize for not doing better by her. I got a few calls as well checking to make sure that we were ok. I did have a client today, which was difficult, but I managed to give him what he was after.

I called the mutual friend who had introduced to us to Margo all those years ago and gave her the bad news and thanked her for introducing us.

- Jack

My Partner

I am one of the very few that I know of who does sensual massage who is also partnered. It can be a difficult situation to be in to say the least. Most men are not secure enough to have a partner who spends his day rubbing naked men and getting them off. I have heard from others that they date a lot and that at first their new boyfriends are excited by the idea. As the relationship gets serious however, they expect the masseur to stop doing sensual work or find another profession altogether.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years now. I was not doing sensual work during all that time. In fact when we met, I was working a very low paying job in theatre, of course so was he. Early in the relationship we had a discussion as to what was going to be acceptable behavior and what was not. We agreed that emotional fidelity was far more important than sexual fidelity. As the years past I took up massage first as a hobby, he took classes as well since the idea was attractive to him, including sensual massage. The problem being that he was never very good at it. It came very naturally to me. Eventually I started doing it for pay part time as I still did theatre and had a day job in the “Corporate” world. Everything in my life started suffering due to my corporate life. I was working longer hours, not getting to do enough theatre, and I was forced to do a lot of travel for work. The money was good, but that was about it. My home life was suffering as well. I was depressed often and away to much. My partner dealt with it as best he could but really wanted me to quit. He was also looking elsewhere for emotional support because I was not there for him. I was not even aware of this at first, since my own depression was getting severe. I finally quit the corporate life and sat at home wondering what I was going to do with my life. That is when I realized something was up with my partner. I found out what was going on (just an online affair) but it was a serious one. I confronted him and we went to counseling. I started taking some more clients and when he was free my partner and I took a vacation together. Things were rough for a while and it took some patience and forgiveness on both of out parts. Up until this time, we had never discussed the nature of the body work I was doing. Although he had a good idea, he didn’t want to think about it and I didn’t feel like discussing it. In a moment of full disclosure, I told him that a lot of my clients were coming to me for non legit work.

He didn’t really have much to say. He understood and hoped that I would not advertise this to our friends. To this day, there are only a couple of our mutual friends who know the true nature of my work. On that day we discussed the pros and cons and what I did and didn’t do. He has always recognized the need for this kind of work in our society. He was glad I told him, and that was that. We have not discussed it much since then. He knows what goes on, he doesn’t ask many questions and I don’t tell him many tales. When I speak of my day, it more about the non-sensual aspects of my work, like what kind of guys did I see today, not what I do with them.

His concern about what are friends know or don’t know is one that I respect. He may understand my work but not everyone would. He may be accepting of what I do, but others may not understand his position.

He does not know about this blog, nor do I really want him to. Now I do want you to understand how loving and caring my partner is. How he supported my decision to leave a relatively high paying job and that he sticks by me when I don’t look for another “real” job. He is one of the nicest people that you would ever care to meet. He loves me unconditionally, and I him.

Body work is a very solitary job. I do not have coworkers to commiserate with. I do know a lot of other guys in the field but we don’t chat about what we do a lot. I have heard that there are other gay body workers who do this work who have partners but they are also in the business.

This is the real truth about my Confessions of a Bodyworker. It is a place I can tell people about my work and what goes through my head. My partner doesn’t really need to hear the nitty-gritty about my job, I am pretty sure he does not want to. Would you want to share all this with your partner? Just so you understand, I am not ashamed of what I do. There are a great number of people who know what I do and I have no problem in talking to them about my life. I just don’t see them all that often since they are not friends that my partner and I have in common.

It is something else to consider when thinking about what a great life I lead.

- Jack