A Troubled Night

Again, sorry for the delay between posts. Life. You know?
What prompted me to write this morning is that a friend has started a blog that is very personal and esoteric (she is Reverend and follower of a female god). If you want to check it out it's http://bountifulbonepot.blogspot.com/
Anyway, I often forget that many people who read my blog are looking for my thoughts and reflections as well as the sex stuff, so when I think I have nothing new to write, I am wrong.
I keep thinking "Well, we have talked about this and or that and there are only so many experiences that happen in my job before it gets very repetitive" but I don't consider sharing my everyday thoughts and fears, maybe I have considered them too personal. But I have found that what makes us individual is often what connects us to others.
Case in point, last night I awoke at 3:45 AM when the garbage truck emptied the dumpster for the apartment complex. This triggered a series of almost automatic responses. I realized I was thirsty so I got up to get a glass of water, this made me realize that my back was hurting again (a story I need to fill you in later). I then had to pee since I was up and moving around. Finally crawling back into bed I could not get comfortable and after tossing and turning and trying not to wake my partner I decided to lay in the guest room for a while.
There my mind starts stirring with all the issues that keep people awake at night. Where is my life heading? What happened to my dreams of stardom? How will I afford the Christmas Holiday? Will I ever get out of this apartment and into my own house? Will I ever be able to retire? Will I be able to make good money again? Why does my partner put up with me? How much longer will he put up with me? How long can he handle be being the major bread winner? Where have the last 4 years gone? Why can't I seem to make any major changes in my life for the good? Why am I afraid to start over again? Why don't I just go back to school? What should I study if I did? Would I be able to get in? Could I afford it? Do I want to take on the kind of debt now in my life? What will happen if I don't? Have I ruined my chances for a good life by doing what I wanted for the last several years? Why do I not seem to be qualified to do anything? Why do you need to be rich in order to make money? Why can't I just have a successful Bed and Breakfast somewhere warm, near the water and afford enough help that my partner and I can occasionally leave it for a couple of weeks at a time and visit our friends around the world and see more of the world? I am not afraid of growing older, but am I afraid of growing old without money? If my back gets bad again, can I afford the doctors visits and rehab? Is my life just messed up beyond belief?
So, even after I took one of the few remaining muscle relaxers, it still took me a good long time to fall back asleep. Now most of these questions seem much less frightening in the daylight, but it is easier to distract myself then. And while things don't look so bad in the light of day, but I know deep down that somethings must change. I'm standing at a crossroads but not able to see in any direction due to a heavy fog.
One of my best pieces of advice, is to give of yourself at times like these. This past weekend I cleaned house and packed up my car with all the items I kept saying I was going to sell at some mythical yard sale and donated them to Goodwill. A small step I know but it did make me feel better. I also found a lot of stuffed toys that I had received over the years in gift baskets and the like, they were quite dusty so I took them to the laundry mat and gave them a good washing while I did my laundry. I then proceeded to hand them out to the small children there and the ones left over I lined up neatly on machines for anyone that may want one. Small things.
By getting rid of things that I do not need but was holding on to for some unknown reason, I felt I was also making room for the abundance that is coming to me soon. At least I hope so. I know that many of my regular clients will miss me if I need to move on to other adventures, but there will be others to take my place. They may not approach it the way I have, but hopefully my clients will still be able to get what they need.
I hope that my sharing this will make a few others out there realize that we all go through these doubts and troubled times in our lives, no matter what we do, how much money we have, and where we live or how we were raised.