Had the teeth pulled, it hurt, not as bad as I expected, but it hurt. It is over a week later and I still have some pain. Of course I had 4 teeth ripped out of my head, there will be some pain, it will pass soon. I am out of vicadin but the ibuprofen is working ok.
There is still a lot going through my head but I think I will be able to focus a little better.
What is most on my mind is a conversation I had with a client about whether or not his wife suspected that he was seeking sexual gratification elsewhere and whether she suspected it was with a man. They have been married for many years and have a few grown children.
My answer was she knows something is up. I have never met a woman or any spouse for that matter who did not suspect something when their spouse was stepping out. Whether the spouse was just getting sex else where, or a full fledged relationship or even an online affair with someone they have never met in person; the spouse knows. The longer the couple has been together, the greater the chance that the spouse knows. They will pick up on changes in behavior from daily habits to emotional subtleties. They know. Now whether they know it is with a person of the same sex or not can vary.
Most women will know, but not all. Most women are blessed with gaydar almost as good as any gay man’s. Even if they don’t have it, they usually have a friend (female or gay male) who will help them out. I have often been asked my opinion of whether someone’s spouse may have same sex leanings or not. I have always given my honest opinion with the disclaimer that I do not know for certain unless they have sucked my dick. I then ask the follow up question, does it matter? Seriously, does it matter? If he is a good husband, father, treats you well and is discreet, does it matter?
For generations it has not. In American society it has been common that gay men would marry women and have families with them and fool around with their "buds" on the sly. In modern African-American society it is referred to as being on the "down-low." As long as it was discreet, most women didn’t care or chose to ignore it, perhaps feeling shame or that society dictated that they needed a husband, whatever. Today we would like to think that we are above that, that gay men don’t feel the need to marry women to prove themselves to society and their families. That may be true for young men in major metropolitan areas, there are still many men who are older or living in more "traditional" societies that being openly gay is just not an option.
So what about today’s women? Do they care? The answer depends on where they are in their lives and what their personal society is like. If they think that they being married to a gay man is better than not being married, they may not care, or at least accept it on some level. However many women will feel hurt, angry, betrayed and will want out. That is their right and privilege. There is also the issue of sexually transmitted diseases that can be brought home. The "down-low" practice is at least partially responsible for the growing Aids rate in the African-American society. It is often these married closeted men that are looking for sex in bathrooms, parks and sex clubs (not all of them are married, but a lot of them are). There are still other women who are most accepting and want to get in on the action. Don’t believe me? Check out ww.craigslist.com and do a search for MW4M under casual encounters. Some women will say "thank-god because I really want to do my best friend Heather!"
I believe that every married man that is having sex with men should buck it up and be honest with their wives. Let the women have a choice. This is an unpopular opinion among married men and I usually keep my mouth shut unless the conversation steers itself in that direction. I know many men who came out to their wives and things worked out fine. Some stayed together, some did not, but all felt much better having released this secret that was keeping them apart from their partners.
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