Forgive me if I go astray

My mind is all over the place today, maybe I had Attention Deficit Disorder, so forgive me if this post goes all over the place.
You see the economy is going further south and my phone has pretty much stopped ringing. Fortunately I had a couple of good weeks in Sept and tried like hell not to spend any unnecessary money. Even though both my parents and my partner’s parents needed some extra help this month.
Now that may sound like a negative comment and may appear to some people that I have an unhappy life and am always bitching. Not really true but I do understand that thought process. If you look at the world of blogs you find many that sound very depressing and just a few overly positive ones. The reason is that many people use their blogs to vent so that they are not venting on their friends all the time. Everyone needs to vent once in a while and bitch about their jobs or the economy or politics, it is a natural thing to do. Let me assure you that though I use my blog for venting once in a while, I generally have a very happy life and most days really like doing bodywork, and I love my partner and our parents (OK, I have never met his asshole father, but that’s another story).
You see, when I started this blog, it was confessions of a bodyworker, what he thinks and feels, what he can’t say to his partner, friends, and clients. Anonymity is key to this kind of writing, unfortunately my ego got the better of me and wanted feedback so I let a couple of friends in on the blog and a couple of my clients figured it out as well. This has lead to limited censorship on my part, I try my best to not let it influence my writing, but in truth it has to a small degree. Not anything significant so far, but some stories that would have been a treat to tell, I have left out of the on-line stuff, maybe I will put it in the book.
Anyway, with the economy going south and me finding myself with free time on my hand but afraid to leave the apartment in case someone calls and wants a last minute appointment, I have way too much time to think.
For example, I realize that I fewer friends in my life these days. Why? Well some have moved on or some have faded away but mainly because I don’t meet a lot of new people these days. Clients are clients and not really appropriate for friend type gatherings, so I am not meeting people at "work" as I often have with other jobs. I haven’t been doing many extra curricular activities such as theater or classes since money has been tight and I haven’t felt right about it. Now I still have a very tight inner circle of friends but that really needs to be expanded as it grows a little smaller each year.
Now I just want to state the nothing said in this post applies to anyone I know who might be reading this. I am not writing about the people who know that I keep this blog. That said, I do have a fair number of needy friends. That is, I tend to mainly hear from them when they need help with something, either to talk about a problem they are having, or a ride somewhere, or help moving. I am a nice guy and pretty much always help out in these situations. I care that someone maybe having a mental breakdown, especially someone I know and of course I will listen to them and try to help anyway I can. Yes, it is incredibly inconvenient for me to drive several miles out of my way late at night to give you a ride, but I am technically available so I will help you, even though you do not even offer me gas money. No, I have never asked your help when I have moved, but I will help you out even though I don’t really want to eat that take-out cheese pizza and warm beer. Obviously I am not a saint since a saint would never bitch about these things. I do assume that each and every person I have ever helped would do the same for me if I asked them and if they were available. Many came through for me when my friend died last year or when my partner and I were having difficulties a few years ago. If only one of them had way for me to get rich quick!
Speaking of which, that is another thought that is desperately racing through my head, with the economy in cellar, what am I going to do for money? My partner is working (2 jobs in fact, which is actually make me feel really guilty), but we are still having a bit of a rough time. The parental issues don’t help, but what are you going to do? Tell your parents "Sorry, but you will just have to go without heat for at least the first part of the winter, maybe we can help you after that." Of course not, and I happy to help our parents. So it means a few less meals out and no cable, big deal, it is the right thing to do.
So, I need more money. I have registered with the Temp agencies again, trying not to feel like the biggest failure in the world. I am not. I know that I am not, it is just that no seems interested in someone who once worked as an EEO Counselor for a govt agency with a theater degree who has been working as bodyworker for last several years. I am also considering going back to school for my masters. I have a BFA which is only good for saying that "yes, I graduated from college." If I take a couple of extra courses, I could go for the MBA which would help if I go back to Corporate, an idea I dread on the one hand, but on the other hand the money was good. I would be happiest running my own business, but I would really need some classes before I would feel comfortable dealing with anything beyond the simple stuff I do for my bodywork business. Then there is the question of what kind of business would be best for me? One would assume something in customer service industry. I could go to school for a degree in sexual therapy. I have thought seriously about this. I am just worried that I may end up in the same boat I am in now. Most sexual therapists work for themselves and charge only slightly higher rates than I do now, so it would then depend on supply and demand. I know a couple of counselors who list sex therapy under their specialities and do make more money than I overall, but still are hurting when the economy tanks.
My partner is feeling particularly stressed these days with my income decreasing and his working two jobs and more people wanting money from us. We should be investing in our futures at this time in our lives and we are struggling to make ends meet instead. Though overall, I still am enjoying my life.
The Dentist wants me to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Fortunately I have insurance through my partner and most of the expenses are covered, the bad news is I will be unavailable for bodywork for a few days at least. A few days of nothing but soup and soft foods may be very good for me.
Had an interesting client the other day, a Pakistani, I don’t get many of them. He’s been living in the states a number of years though he still has a thick accent. He is married but definitely likes to play with men. He is cool with that idea, but if his Pakistani relatives or friends ever found out, it would be the end of his world. Even in America it is the culture of the people who surround you that matters most, not the general culture of the country. He has a great business career and is afraid it would collapse if word ever got out. Of course the white CEO of a Fortune 500 company told me the same thing just before asking me to stick my entire hand up his butt (I didn’t do it).
I have been trying to practice the power of positive thinking and "the secret" (a very dull read by the way). I think my biggest issue is that I don’t really know what I want. I can name things and a few random ideas: money, a house, love, peace, happiness (not necessarily in that order) but as far as a career, no clue anymore. Of course the way the politics in this country are going, it may all be a mute point.
Overall I am very grateful for my loving partner, a roof over my head (rental that it may be), food on the table and a handful of really good friends. Somehow I always thought that should be enough. It is only as I get older that I worry about getting older. I am not afraid of physically growing old, but of being old and broke. That is why I must focus my energy on positive things like "money comes freely and easily."
I will end this here, my head is calming down and I think I need a nap. - Jack