Sorry again for not writing for so long.
I have been depressed for a while. A good friend of mine died in early September and it is taking me longer to get over it than I thought it would. I am used to helping other people with their problems; I forgot that I often have my own.
It takes a tremendous amount of energy to do what I do. Not just physically but emotionally. To be any good at bodywork whether or not it is sensual, you must be focused on the moment and on the client. You must be constantly watching for feedback, sometimes verbal, sometimes non-verbal. You listen to the body with your hands and with your eyes.
Physically, giving a massage does take a lot energy. If you have ever tried to rub every inch of another person for a total of 90 minutes you would know what I mean. While there are ways to make giving a massage easier (body dynamics) it can still be a great deal of work. I personally cannot do more than three in a day. Many fellow workers have suffered injuries that have resulted in months off the job.
There is also an exchange of energy in every session. Most men who come to me need to be re-invigorated which has a tendency to drain a lot of energy from me. Those with sexual needs will drain even more. Add to that, men with emotional issues such as: issues with their sexual identity, difficulty with their spouses, extreme loneliness and etc., well you get the idea. It can take a lot out of you.
One of my clients said to me this week that I should charge Psychiatrist rates; he had been seeing a Psychiatrist for years to deal with his bisexuality and his relationship with his wife. He gets an erotic massage from me and talks about his feelings about men, and his devotion to his wife. Usually my advice is to not get hung up on labels but to also be honest with his wife. I don’t know whether he has done it or not, but I continue to listen. Some men cry, some send me long emails, some ask advice and some just want to talk. Of course there are a few who say nothing at all, these are sometimes the most draining since they are just sucking energy, not sure how else to explain it but you can literally feel them sucking the energy from you. I think it is one of the reasons that so many bodyworkers leave the field after a couple of years (that and the pay is not nearly as exciting as you would think).
Since my friend’s death, I have cut down on the number of clients I have been taking. I just have not had the energy to do 2 or 3 massages a day. This has meant less money, but sacrifices have to be made if you want to survive. I believe that if I had tried to do the same number of clients the quality of the massage would have been terrible which could mean losing long time clients. I have also known men in my field who have had serious breakdowns and at least one who committed suicide.
So how do I re-charge? Take time for myself, spend time with friends, give myself time to mourn, I probably should have sought professional help but I didn’t have good enough sense to realize it. I have seen more bad television and movies and even a couple of questionable plays than anyone should see. I have taken a lot of baths. I have cleaned closets, sorted out old clothing, made soups from scratch, re-arranged furniture and put it back again. I have taken long walks, gone window shopping, slept, talked on the phone, anything that didn’t require any focused thought.
Where am I now? I am at the point where I realize that I was worse than I thought I was and I want to get back to me again.
As I slowly start coming back to myself, I will start doing more massage and more postings to this site.
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